


Found

by Vinushuka



Series: Unknown.Despair.Found [3]
Category: Apocalyptica, Dir en grey
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-14
Packaged: 2018-01-21 19:31:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 48
Words: 37,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1561496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vinushuka/pseuds/Vinushuka
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is  a story of two bands Dir En Grey and Apocalyptica and a strange woman calling herself Vinushka, who wants to get involved in their lives. She uses all means both natural and supernatural to achieve her goal. She means well but the consequences of her involvement are unpredictable bringing great joy but also despair to the band members.</p><p>In Found Dir En Grey Visit Finland to have holiday in Helsinki and Vuokatti ski resort. The surprises start immediately after their arrival, when Vinushka tells Kyo he's going to be a father. After that nothing is the same: Tochi's relationship with Eicca is at stake when Eicca's wife finds out about it. Kaoru wants to marry Perttu, which may split Apocalyptica, and Die gets what he wanted the most...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The flight to Helsinki

# Toshiya

## The flight to Helsinki (1)

      ”Please eat your breakfast”, I heard Die’s voice in my ear. He poked me in the ribs with his elbow and woke me up from my reverie.

      I straightened my back after sitting too long on my seat. “Sorry, I was just thinking …”

      “Yeah, like I don’t like this breakfast”, he scolded me. He was worried. I had again lost more weight.  Eicca’s ring felt loose in my finger and my clothes hung on me like I was a coat hanger. I just could not eat. At the moment my stomach was churning with excitement. I was finally going to meet Eicca again.

      These last two months had been a real ordeal for me. I had promised to Kyo that I would make it without him, but I couldn’t. I missed him so much it made me feel sick. Eicca was busy with his family, new album and tour preparations so I didn’t want to bother him with my problems. My English was still so lousy that it was no use in calling him. I did that couple of times, but it frustrated me when I couldn’t say what I wanted. After my last call I was so pissed off that I stalked to a close by bar and found me a fan girl to fuck with. I had to prove myself I could still do it. The girl complained that I was too bony.

      Kyo was also busy with his projects so Die and I started to spend more time together. I liked his company. He could make me laugh and forget my pain for a while.  Ok, sometimes he drank too much and I had to help him home. Those nights I stayed at his place, sleeping on the couch or in his spare bed in the study.

      “Do I have to feed you like a little kid?” he complained offering me a sandwich I had not touched. 

      “Ok, mama”, I agreed and let him push the sandwich into my mouth.

      “That’s better”, he mused as I started chewing a piece of bread to get it down.

      “Really, I am not hungry”, I complained and took a sip of orange juice to flush the thing into my stomach.

      “I will have to tell Eicca that you’re not eating”, Die threatened. “Besides he can easily see it himself. You’re like a walking skeleton.“  I knew that and it worried me. Maybe he didn’t find me attractive anymore.

      Finally the plane started to approach Helsinki-Vantaa airport. I watched the scenery gliding by underneath us. There wasn’t much snow anywhere.  Our pilot announced that it was sunny in Helsinki with temperature at +5 C˚. That sounded much better that suffocating in the +30 C˚ heat on our Australia tour couple of weeks ago. Hopefully there was some snow in northern part of Finland, where we were heading for the next couple of days. Die of course had his skis with him. The rest of us would have to rent the skiing gear locally.

      Anna had planned our visit so that we would arrive in Helsinki a couple of days after Apocalyptica had finished their European tour with Avanti. We would rest one night in Helsinki and then travel together with a bus to a skiing resort in the north. Eicca, Perttu, Paavo and Anna had promised to meet us at the airport. Our hotel was located in a close by shopping centre & spa -complex. We were planning to relax today in the spa and have our welcome dinner in the evening with Anna and Apocalyptica guys.

      My heart started beating faster when the plane had landed and rolled slowly to one of the passenger tubes. It was painful to wait for our luggage to arrive, but eventually the belt started moving and we could reclaim our belongings. Even Die’s skis had made it to Helsinki. My heart was beating at double speed when we stepped into the entrance hall full of people waiting for their friends or loved ones. All I wanted was to see Eicca and be close to him. It was quite easy to spot him among the crowd – his long, blond hair was exceptional even here.

      I felt almost giddy when our eyes met – Eicca found his way through the crowd and grabbed me in his arms. “So good to see you!” he breathed in my ear and then pushed me at an arm’s length from him. “Jeez, you’ve lost so much weight”, he whispered sounding worried.  Right in front of us I could see Kaoru hugging Perttu, who looked also very slender compared to two months ago. Perttu’s hair was now light brown instead of black. Anna seemed to have eyes only for Kyo.  She grabbed the man in her arms and kissed him passionately forgetting completely her surroundings. I felt sorry for Die who was standing beside Kyo looking embarrassed. I wished I could kiss my man, but we’d have to wait. Anna whispered something in Kyo’s ear and then greeted the rest of us making sure that Die had his skis with him.  He pointed at his luggage trolley which had the skis loaded on top.

      Eicca and Anna had their cars with them to drive us to the hotel. I sat on the front seat beside Eicca watching his every move while he was driving. I just couldn’t help it. Seeing him there, alive and well after all his time, was almost too much for me. I could see his eyes flicker to me now and then and a gentle smile was tugging his lips. I bet I knew what he was thinking.


	2. Bathroom love

## Bathroom love (2)

       After checking in Eicca escorted me to my hotel room and helped me with the luggage. It was almost impossible for me to stand so close to Eicca in the elevator and not to touch him. I barely managed to open the electronic lock in my hotel room door.  My hands were shaking and my heart pounding so hard he probably could hear it. I was close to fainting when the door finally closed behind us. Eicca grabbed me into his arms and kissed me with gentle lips. I rested my swimming head on his shoulder feeling unbelievable relief. I was finally where I wanted to be.

      He held me tight for a while and then took my face into his hands to kiss me gain. All my pain was washed away the moment I felt his lips on mine.

      “You must be tired after your long flight. Do you want to take a shower and rest a while with me?” he asked. I remembered how happy I had been in Tokyo, when we had crawled into bed after a long, hot shower to hold each other tight and make love.

      “Yeah, I’d like that”, I replied blushing at the thought of being again naked with him.

      He took my hand and led us to the bathroom. It was larger than I was used to - actually designed for two. A large mirror and a table top with two sinks covered the wall beside the showers. I couldn’t help watching Eicca as he was stripping off his clothes. I watched also myself. The guy in the mirror was, to put it politely, wiry – only muscles, skin and bones. Eicca watched me too. “You should really eat more”, he frowned at my thin body. “Luckily I am a little softer so that we won’t hurt each other”, he sneered and nipped the flesh on his waist between his fingers.

      When we ended our shower we were both extremely turned on. I knew we wouldn’t make it to the bed.  “Here, let me dry your back”, Eicca offered, his towel in his hand. He too was ready. His erection touched my hip when he rubbed my hair dry.  “Can I please fuck you?” he finally asked sounding nearly desperate. “Why do you ask?” I breathed almost out of my senses of lust.

      He grabbed his jeans and dug up a condom and a lube from his pocket. I watched him put it on and add a fair amount of lube on it. I grabbed the bathroom table top for support and leaned over to give him unobstructed access to my behind. I closed my eyes when I felt his shaft sinking inside me slowly and carefully. He didn’t want to hurt me.

      I watched his movements in the mirror when he was fucking me. His hands grabbed my hips as he was working his way to the top.  His eyes were closed and his long hair covered his face. When he was approaching the climax, he opened his eyes and gazed my reflection in the mirror “You’re so beautiful”, he whispered.  With one deep thrust he exploded inside me grabbing the table top for support.

      After a short rest he withdrew himself, threw the condom in the waste bin and turned me to face him. “What shall we do with this?” he asked caressing my throbbing dick with his hand.

      “Please jerk me off”, I pleaded.

      “Do you want to watch me doing it?” he asked stepping behind me and sliding his hand along my stem. 

      “Yeah, please”, I breathed. He turned me to face the mirror so that I could see myself enjoying his handiwork. He kissed or rather bit the side of my neck and I grabbed his hair in my hands. His hand made me almost crazy until I exploded shooting my sperm all over the place. “Jeez, have you been sparing all this for me?” he snickered his hand painted white with my stuff.

      When we finally made it to bed we both were satisfied but exhausted. So we just crawled in there and rested in each other’s arms. Our hungry bodies still had plenty of time to enjoy.


	3. Pregnant

# Vinushka

 

## Pregnant (3)

      I was very satisfied with the results of our Tokyo visit. Now I could concentrate on Dir En Grey’s holiday arrangements in March. After discussions with Apocalyptica I ended up changing our original plans. Apocalyptica guys would join us on our Lapland visit after they had returned from their concert tour. All we had to do was to postpone Dir En Grey’s arrival with a couple of days.

      I didn’t need Vinushka for over two weeks, but then I suddenly remembered my passionate goodbyes with Kyo and the forebodings I had after that. I took her form to check the situation. Her period was late for a week. Ok, that could be only a coincidence. I knew from my own experience that they didn’t always come on time. So I decided to wait for another week and then make a pregnancy test.

      The week was very long for me.  My hands shook, when I finally checked the results of her pregnancy test in my bathroom. Vinushka was definitely pregnant. I tried to think straight, but my brain just buzzed with questions. I tried to piece together the little experience and knowledge I had about my spirit travels. Finally I settled to a theory that seemed to explain what had happened but was otherwise more like science fiction that everyday life.

      It seemed like Vinushka lived in some kind of parallel reality and she only visited our world when I summoned her. Or actually only her body visited our world. My spirit would take possession of her body when I needed it. That would explain why she could be pregnant, when I wasn’t, and why her pregnancy was proceeding normally, even when I wasn’t in her. If my theory was true, we had a problem. She would have to deliver her baby in this world not in the other one. Otherwise Kyo’s baby would remain forever lost for us. But could I make it? Having a baby at my age wasn’t straightforward even with a healthy and strong body like Vinushka had.

      Kyo had asked me to call him if anything happened. This was really _anything_ , but I just could not tell him a thing like this over the phone. I decided to wait for their visit.  Vinushka’s pregnancy would not be showing at that time, so I could tell him the good news where and when I wanted.

      At the airport I just couldn’t control myself anymore. When I saw Kyo’s small figure pushing his baggage trolley out of the arrivals exit I forgot everything I had planned and just rushed to meet him and take him in my arms. I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him with all the passion and longing that had accumulated inside me during these last two months. Kyo was clearly delighted about my wild reaction and returned my kiss despite of his bandmates standing close by. When I was back to my senses again, I whispered in his ear that I had a great surprise waiting for him in the hotel. He looked puzzled but didn’t ask more.


	4. The surprise

## The surprise (4)

“What was the surprise you promised?” Kyo asked while hanging his black leather jacket on the back of a hotel room chair. After doing that he stepped back to me and grabbed me in his arms.

       “I missed you”, he whispered in my ear and started kissing my face with his soft lips. “Do you have time to stay a while?” he asked his dark eyes filled with longing.

      “I have always time for you”, I replied and kissed the side of his neck. “You probably would like to shower first… I can make the bed while you do that”, I proposed.

      “I was hoping you’d join me…” he muttered sounding disappointed.

     “Not this time, maybe later”, I replied carefully not wanting to alarm him.

      “Ok, it won’t take long”, he promised and hurried into the bathroom.

      I opened the bed, removed my clothes and slid under the duvet to wait for him. I was nervous. I didn’t have a clue how a Japanese guy would react when his girlfriend announced him she was pregnant. Well, I’d soon find out.

      Kyo stepped out of the bathroom naked, proud of his body as always. “Come here beside me and I will tell you about the surprise.” I tapped the bed beside me and raised the corner of the duvet to let him crawl into my arms. He grabbed my body against his and kissed me passionately. “You feel so good”, he sighed and caressed my breasts with his hands. “Your breasts are even lovelier than I remembered.” He was right about that. I loved my new breasts even myself. They were much heavier and fuller than before.

      I felt my insides contract of excitement when I started to speak. “About the surprise… It is inside me. You’re going to be a father”, I whispered gazing into his dark eyes. He blinked once and then for a second time. I could almost hear his brain working at 200% capacity to understand what I had just told him. He jumped into a sitting position grabbing in his hand the pendant he was wearing. “Sooo!” The long word sounded almost like a growl. ”A father…You mean you’re having a baby?” he asked still struggling to understand my words. “I thought it was not possible.”

      “I thought so too, but it’s definitely true. I just had my first ultrasound done yesterday. The baby is there and doing fine”, I assured him. “Please say something”, I finally pleaded when he was sitting there sunken deep in his thoughts.

     “Me, a father”, he repeated a wide smile spreading on his lips. “I never thought I could be a father”, he whispered looking at me his eyes full of wonder.

      “You’ll make an excellent father”, I assured him and tugged his arm to make him lie beside me again. “Don’t worry, I won’t ruin your career by forcing you to marry me or something.”

      He had finally regained his balance and crawled under the duvet with me. “There are certainly many things to think about”, he admitted. “But you and the baby are the most important things now. I’m so happy although I wasn’t expecting this.” he concluded and kissed me a gentle smile on his lips.

      “Can I say hello to him?” he suddenly asked after a long silence. He slid under the duvet resting his cheek on my belly and listening. “Funny to think, that there’s someone there”, he mused and returned to kiss my breasts. “Can we make love? I mean is it risky for the baby?” he asked sounding worried.

      “It is actually highly recommended to make love”, I comforted him and turned by back against his body. ” It feels better from behind”, I whispered and pushed my bottom against him. He grabbed my breasts into his hands and pushed his wonderful dick inside me sighing of joy.

      “What are you going to tell to your band mates about this?” I asked when we were resting after our lovemaking. “I have morning sickness so I can’t keep my condition a secret for very long.”

      “I don’t want to keep it as a secret from my friends”, Kyo smiled. “Actually I would like the whole world to know that I’m going to be a father, but I guess I can’t do that. I think I should tell Die first. He’ll probably be as happy as I am about this.” I had my doubts about that.

      While he was finishing his last sentence, his mobile phone started buzzing. It was Die who asked us to join him, Tochi and Eicca for a lunch in an Italian restaurant downstairs. We were both actually quite hungry so we accepted his invitation and climbed reluctantly out of our warm nest.

      When we arrived at the restaurant also Kaoru, Perttu and Paavo had joined the group. Eicca and Paavo couldn’t stay due to other engagements but the rest of us enjoyed the late lunch with good apetite. Even Tochi ate his pasta. I was concerned about him. He was too thin nowadays.

      The guys were planning to go to sauna and have a swim before our dinner. I left them to relax in the spa and headed home to rest and prepare for the evening. It would be really interesting to see their reactions when Kyo told his news to them.


	5. Crushed hopes

# Die

 

## Crushed hopes (5)

       My concerns about Kyo’s relationship with Anna were growing stronger as time passed by. I couldn’t understand what made her so special to Kyo. I was almost certain they had some kind of common history. But I couldn’t make myself ask about it directly from Kyo. I felt I was losing him slowly but surely to Anna.

      As slowly and surely my feelings for Tochi were deepening from friendship to love.  The guy was suffering – literally withering to death. All I could do was to make him laugh and force him to eat. He was completely oblivious about my feelings for him. All he could think about was Eicca. I sincerely hoped that this journey to Finland would bring some resolution to this sad love affair. I couldn’t bear to see Tochi suffer anymore.

      The way Anna received Kyo at the airport confirmed my suspicions. There was something in the way they looked at each other and touched each other that made me feel I had lost this competition. When Anna escorted Kyo into his room and Kyo didn’t show up in almost two hours I gave up my hopes. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and phoned to Kyo to ask him and Anna to join me for lunch. They looked so happy together when they sat in our table discussing about the holiday plans. I’d never seen Kyo behave like that, be so protective.

      When Anna had left home after lunch Kyo asked if he could talk with me in private. I followed him into his room feeling anxious.  “I have great news”, he started his whole being radiating happiness and excitement. He stared at his hands struggling to find the words. ”I’m going to be a father”, he finally managed to say.

      I felt my knees grow weak. This was something I hadn’t expected. “Congratulations! When is the baby due?” I asked not wanting to sound indifferent.

      “At the beginning of October, if everything goes well”, Kyo rejoiced and clearly expected me to be happy for him. I stepped forward and grabbed the man in my arms. “You deserve to be happy and have a real family”. I really wanted to be happy for him, but the pain of losing him overwhelmed my mind. I just couldn’t help it when tears started to flow down my cheeks.

      “Please don’t cry”, Kyo patted my back confused about my reactions. “We are going to spend a lot of time together also in the future.”

      “Yeah, I know that”, I sobbed trying to control my disappointment and jealousy. “I’m glad you told me first. Are you going to share this with others too?”

      “I was planning to break the news tonight. Anna has morning sickness, so it will be easy to guess her condition during our holiday trip. Meanwhile, will you join me for a swim? I need some exercise after sitting so long on the plain.”  I was thinking had he forgotten the exercise he just had with Anna, but I kept my mouth shut and followed him into the spa.


	6. The announcement

## The announcement (6)

      Anna had made our dinner reservation in a restaurant located in the same building complex as our hotel and spa. The place seemed to be very popular among locals.  The restaurant was packed with families and parties celebrating birthdays or anniversaries or just having fun.

     Our team didn’t arouse any special attention although Apocalyptica was well known in Finland. People probably recognized them but left us politely alone - no screaming fans asking for autographs. Our meal was a typical Finnish menu: mushroom soup as starters, white fish with potato snow and vegetables as main course and fried home cheese with cloudberries as dessert.

      After the main course the waiters brought glasses of champagne for everybody except Kyo and Anna, who had non-alcoholic sparkling wine. I knew the great news was coming. Kyo called attention and stood up to speak together with Anna. Anna explained that Kyo was going to speak in Japanese and Anna would translate into Finnish.

      I had already recovered from the shock Kyo’s news had caused, but the rest of the team was completely unprepared.  “Dear friends”, Kyo started and sounded very solemn. “I have experienced today something that will change my life completely. I am going to be a father – Anna is carrying our baby.  The baby will be born in October.  I wish you all are as happy about this as we are. I propose a toast to Anna and the baby.”  Anna was translating his speech after every sentence so that the whole team would hear the news simultaneously.  Tochi seemed to be completely shocked when he heard Kyo’s words. Eicca followed his reactions very alarmed, until he heard Anna’s translation and understood that this was good news not bad. Everybody stood up and raised their glasses to salute Anna and the baby.  Apocalyptica guys broke into spontaneous applause and I joined them. My band mates followed my example. After the toast everybody, including me, congratulated Kyo and Anna with a warm hug.

      I tried to look happy, but actually all I could feel was relief. I didn’t have to worry about Kyo anymore. I had been there when he needed me. He had been a considerate and gentle lover for me, but now it was time for something else.  I could concentrate my energy in protecting and helping Tochi, who was going to need my support probably very soon.  If Eicca had any of that famous Finnish _sisu_ , he’d put an end to Tochi’s suffering and let him start a new life.

      After finishing our dinner we all gathered in the hotel lobby and Anna gave us the final instructions for tomorrow’s bus journey. A minibus would collect first Anna and Apocalyptica guys and then arrive in our hotel at 9:00. We should have our breakfast and check out before that. I didn’t want to spend the rests of the evening alone fretting over my miserable love life, so I asked Shinya and Tochi to join me for a drink in the bar. I needed something stiff.


	7. Early breakfast

# Kaoru

 

## Early breakfast (7)

      I was Kaoru-sama. It was my duty to take care that my band mates made it on time to where ever we needed to go, a tour bus, a concert or early breakfast like today. We had agreed that everybody would be ready for breakfast at 8 o’clock so now I was standing behind Die’s hotel room door to make sure he was up. I knocked on his door but nothing happened. Tochi joined me browsing his cell phone. “I will wake him up”, he promised poking with his finger Die’s smiling face on his iPhone.  We could hear the phone ringing inside the room and something crashing on the floor. Tochi grinned when he heard Die’s sleepy voice answering. “Good morning, mama.  We are standing here behind your door. Please, open up.” After a while we heard the lock open and Die peeked out his hair all messed up. “I will take care of this”, Tochi said looking determined and stepped into Die’s room closing the door behind him.

      Ok, this was easy. Die and Tochi seemed to have some kind of mutual co-operation agreement nowadays. I’d still have to check Shinya and Kyo. Kyo opened his door fully dressed and ready to join us. Shinya looked sleepy and was still in his pyjama bottoms. “Is Die ok?” he asked. “I think he had a little too much to drink last night in the night club.”

      “What night club?” I asked now alarmed.

      ”We met these nice girls in the bar and went to check out the local night club with them.”

      I had my doubts about all nice girls in the bar. “Have you checked that you have all your valuables with you?” 

      “Nothing’s missing” Shinya replied with a funny looking expression on his face.

      “Tochi is taking care of Die. Please put on your clothes and join us for breakfast”, I asked him.

      After a while we all were enjoying our breakfast at the hotel diner. Die looked pale and didn’t eat much. “Have you packed your luggage? We need to check out and meet the buss in 20 minutes”, I asked just to make sure.

      “I hope there’s a toilet on the bus”, Tochi remarked eyeing at Die, who didn’t look well.

      In spite of the slight difficulties we were ready to go when the bus rolled in front of the hotel entrance. We packed our luggage and Die’s skis in the boot and climbed on board.


	8. On the bus

## On the bus (8)

      Sitting in a tour bus for hours wasn’t something I enjoyed but got used to during all these years. This journey to north was different; we didn’t have to work at our destination, we were going to have fun.

       Anna had planned our holiday program with Apocalyptica guys and made reservations for various events at Vuokatti Ski resort, about 570 km from Helsinki. We were going to have a snowshoe safari, a husky sleigh ride, smoke sauna and of course cross-country and downhill skiing. The snow situation worried me but Anna assured me that there was plenty of snow at the resort.

      Judging by the sceneries flashing by our bus windows the country was full of forests. I knew that was an illusion since the highway passed all major cities and villages at their outskirts. All you could see were solitary houses surrounded by fields and plenty of lakes now covered with snow. The motor way to Tampere took us quite quickly to the middle of the country, but from there on travelling was slower.

      Die managed not to throw up. He slept most of the morning with Shinya on his side. He had covered Die with a blanket to keep him warm. Both Tochi and Eicca and Anna and Kyo were sitting together concentrating in each other rather than the sceneries. I was sitting with Paavo, Mikko and Perttu playing cards.

      My relationship with Perttu had a surprise start after our sauna evening in Tokyo. I was puzzled by the strong attraction we felt for each other. We made love for the first time in our Visual Key party and several times after that. When he returned to Finland I felt empty but forced myself to return to the normal daily routines. There were plenty of them.

      I had effectively put my love affair behind me until we arrived at Helsinki-Vantaa airport. There he was again; long hair, fair skin, so beautiful that my heart skipped a beat when I laid my eyes on him. When Perttu escorted me to my hotel room I forgot completely my decision to keep my fingers off him. I couldn’t. I grabbed him in my arms and kissed him with all my heart. In just a couple of minutes I was inside him, sinking into oblivion in his beautiful body.

      Now he was sitting there in front of me joking and laughing as if nothing had happened. Now and then his grey eyes found mine. Every time that happened I felt a desperate need to jump up and kiss him. I didn’t because I was Kaoru-sama.

      After our lunch at Tampere Die seemed to feel much better. Kyo went to sit with him and Shinya joined our card ring. “How’s Die?” I asked him when he came to sit beside me.

      “He slept off his headache. I think he’s going to survive” Shinya replied. “Can I join your game?" he asked blinking his brown eyes at Paavo. I knew he was extremely good at cheating with cards.  Having him in my team meant almost certain victory in the game.

      When we had beaten Apocalyptica guys bloodily in the game I joined Anna to review our holiday program with her.  Shinya stayed behind to teach some of his card tricks to Paavo.

      “I sure hope Die gets over this situation. He looked really miserable this morning”, Anna remarked after finishing our schedule review.

      “Yeah, he had too many drinks last night”, I admitted.

      “I asked Kyo to talk with him and say he’s sorry. Why can’t Kyo understand that the man loves him and probably feels both betrayed and forsaken at the moment?”

     I must be getting old or stupid or both, I thought when I finally realized what Anna was saying. I’d had no idea that Kyo and Die were lovers.  When Kyo had mentioned that he had stayed the night at Die’s I thought he had just slept over, nothing more.

       I took a stealthy look at Die and Kyo sitting a row back on the opposite side of the corridor. I thought I saw Kyo wiping Die’s tears with his hand. In my mind one sad love affair was enough in our team, but now we had two of them or was it three. I might have to include myself in the count.

      “I hope that helps. Tochi and Shinya have done a great job in supporting Die this morning”, I concluded and rose to return to my seat.


	9. Lost dignity

## Lost dignity (9)

       I selected an empty seat and sat down to think. I was confused about this situation with Kyo and Die. Was there something else I didn’t know? I remembered the strange incident in our Visual Kei party  when I found Anna crying and Kyo all shaken up as if he’d seen a ghost. I tried the piece the facts together but I couldn’t figure out any reasonable explanation to what I had seen.

      I closed my eyes to think but all I could see was Perttu in his gorgeous dress and myself holding his body close to mine. “Are you sleeping?” I heard Perttu’s familiar voice interrupting my daydreams. When I opened my eyes he was standing beside my seat brushing his light brown hair from his face with his hand. He was really like an angel. “Can I talk with you in private?” he asked a strangely intensive look in his eyes.

      “Sure”, I replied and stood up to follow him to the back of the bus. The seats there were somewhat wider and formed one continuous seat. Maybe it was intended for sleeping also. Perttu raised the armrests in upright position and gestured me to sit beside him. I was just about to ask what he had in mind when he grabbed my face between his hands and kissed me. He had again his beard and moustache; I could feel his beard tickle my chin during his kiss. He was breathing hard now. “I want you so much. Can I make love to you, please?” he whispered in my ear.

      “Are you sure?” I asked horrified by the thought that my band mates were sitting just a few meters from us.

     “I have this”, he opened his hand with a condom in it. I nodded my consent. His eagerness and my daydreams had turned me on too. In no time he had opened my zipper and removed my jeans and pants in one fluid movement. “Please lie down”, he asked pointing at the seats. There I was lying on my belly waiting him to put the condom on and do his thing with me. All my Kaoru-sama dignity was gone. I just wanted him inside me. He wasn’t very patient with me…

      I wasn’t used to being fucked. Kyo had done that with me couple of times. Due to his large dick the experience had been, to put it mildly, extreme. To my good luck Perttu wasn’t that big and I survived his attack. I tried to suffocate my moaning in the seat padding.  Perttu sank his teeth in my shoulder when he emptied his load inside me. His long hair spread on my neck and tickled my nose when he rested on my back for a while.

      “Please turn”, he commanded me after removing the condom and zipping his jeans.  He grabbed my dick in his hand and started to jerk me off.  I watched him sink my dick deep into his throat and then withdraw it to lick and suck the sensitive head over and over again. I couldn’t help whining when he finally made me come into his mouth.

       “We are going to stop very soon. Please put your clothes on”, he whispered and fished my jeans from the floor for me. I had hardly zipped my jeans when the bus slowed down and turned from the highway heading for a large ABC station. We were stopping there for a coffee break.

       “Very exact timing”, I grinned at him as we were putting our coats on to walk to the restaurant.


	10. The poem diary

# Kyo

 

## The poem diary (10)

       Anna had hinted me that she had something interesting to show to me during our bus journey.  She had her laptop with her. After some browsing she pushed the thing into my lap. She had written her diary as poems and wanted me to read them. “I couldn’t tell you about the baby over the phone so I decided to write poems instead. There’s one for almost every day after I knew… I thought you’d like to know how I felt.”

      I started reading her poems that began from the beginning of February and continued until today. Some of them were quite short, almost like aphorisms, some longer, resembling prose. It was intriguing to read about her hopes, fears and excitement about the baby. I was so pleased and honoured that she gave me the opportunity to read her mind.

       Some of the poems woke up a lively discussion about how things could or should be expressed in Japanese and of course the content itself. I was concerned about her fears and tried to walk through especially those that might affect our relationship. Her account about our reunion at the airport and surprise in the hotel raised tears into my eyes. She had been afraid that I would reject her. What was she thinking? Reject my own baby? No way!

      I was mentally drained when I had finished reading and closed the laptop. I just wanted to hold her in my arms and keep her safe. “Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me”, I finally said.

      “By the way, I think you should go and apologize Die for both of us.  I can see he’s suffering. He loves you and is probably feeling completely rejected and deceived at the moment.  It wasn’t my or your intention to hurt him. It just happened”, Anna proposed. I felt I was a complete jerk when thinking about my behaviour yesterday. I had only thought how happy I was, not how he might feel.

      “You’re right. I’ll go and talk to him after our lunch stop”, I promised. Die was still sleeping under his blanket and Shinya was guarding him like a hawk. That was real friendship. Of course I knew about their love affair in Seattle, but Shinya deserved that.


	11. I'm sorry

## I’m sorry (11)

      “Can I sit with you for a while?” I asked Die when we were climbing back to our bus after having lunch at Näsinneula, a view tower with a rotating panorama restaurant at Tampere. The view over snow covered lakes glittering in the sunshine had been breathtaking. I just hoped that the movement hadn’t upset Die’s stomach.

     “Yeah, sure. I’m feeling much better now”, he smiled and brushed his disobedient hair from his eyes.

      I sat beside him struggling to find the words to say I was sorry. “I must apologize my behaviour yesterday. It was stupid of me to think that you were happy the same way I was.”

      “I _am_ happy for you, but I hate losing you”, he confessed struggling with his feelings again. “I felt I had been left outside, rejected…”

      “Who wouldn’t”, I admitted and wiped the tears from his cheek. “I love you, but I love her too and the baby. You should forget me as a lover. I don’t want you to waste your life loving a jerk like me.”

      “You’re not a jerk”, Die smiled. “I will survive, I promise.”

      I was relieved that he felt so confident about his future. I knew Shinya and Tochi looked after him and he had other friends too. Maybe I was worrying for nothing. I told him about Anna’s diary. “Maybe you should try writing one yourself? I encouraged him. “It helps to clarify your thoughts, especially at difficult times.”

      “I’m not much of a writer” Die smiled. “But, then again, I might try”

      “I think I should let Shinya have his seat back. It’s good to see how he takes care of you when I can’t.” I stood up and gestured to Shinya that his seat was free.

      “Thanks”, Die replied. “Take care of Anna.”


	12. Under the blanket

# Shinya

 

## Under the blanket (12)

      When Kyo returned to his seat beside Anna, I had again a chance to take care of Die’s wellbeing.  He was clearly feeling better so we could maybe do something nice together. He had again put his blanket on him when I sat beside him. ”Can I keep you company?” I asked.

      ” Sure”, Die replied but looked very thoughtful.

      “Is something wrong? What did Kyo say to you?” I asked feeling worried.

      “I’m okay. No headache anymore thanks to your pills. And Kyo just wanted to check how I was doing.”

      “What can I do to make you feel better?” I asked grinning at him and sneaking my hand under the blanket to his zipper. “Would you like me to open this?” I asked my eyes innocent. I could see Die’s breathing accelerating when he felt my fingers open his zipper and find their way around his dick.

      “Are you crazy?” he panted. “What will others think if they see us?”

      “No problem, your blanket will protect us”, I promised sliding my fingers along his dick that was getting harder every minute.

      “I’d like to suck you”, I confessed. Die rolled his eyes but didn’t prevent me when I pushed my head under his blanket. I just loved his dick. It was not too big and tasted good. I started sucking him sliding my tongue on the silky head of his dick and licking the drops that emerged from its tip now and then. After I had enjoyed his candy for a while he started to get close to the climax. I could feel that from the way he was arching his body and his fingers grabbing the side of his seat.

       “Jeez, you’re killing me”, he hissed as he emptied his load into my mouth. I swallowed his sperm and raised my head from under the blanket. Die looked exhausted. “You little devil”, he grinned and fluffed my hair with his hand.

      We sat quietly for a while resting after our exertions. “Would you like to join our card game? I asked pointing at Paavo and Mikko sitting further behind us.

      “Sorry, I would like to rest a while. I’ll join you after the next stop”, he promised and closed his eyes.

      I left Die sleeping and returned to sit with Mikko and Paavo.  “What happened to you? You look like you have run a marathon”, Paavo asked smirking at me. Why did he have to be so observant when I didn’t need that?  I tried to find a decent explanation to my red cheeks but failed miserably.

      “I was just keeping company to Die. He’s still tired, but his headache is gone”, I finally explained blushing even more.

      “That’s good of you. He _must_ feel much better now”, Paavo mused and concentrated again in shuffling his deck of cards.

      “Have you seen Kaoru lately?” I asked missing my game mate.

      “He’s somewhere at the back of the bus with Perttu. They had some “private” matters to talk about”, Paavo replied adding the quotation marks with his fingers. Okay, _that_ kind of private. I tried to peek at the back of the bus but couldn’t see anything behind the seats.

      Just before our coffee pause Kaoru and Perttu returned from their meeting looking satisfied. “Did you come to a conclusion? I asked Kaoru who was putting on his coat. He stared at me looking confused and blushed slightly. “Yes we did”, he finally replied and shot a gentle look at Perttu. Kaoru was in love. I was sure about that.


	13. At the resort

## At the resort (13)

      The last leg of our bus journey passed very quickly. We watched the white, glistening sceneries passing by our bus windows. There was plenty of snow here and the temperature was at -5C˚. Finally our bus stopped in front of a large modern looking wooden house with two stories.  Our whole team would be staying under the same roof. That was great.

      We carried our luggage to the house and Anna showed us our rooms upstairs. She would be staying with Kyo and Tochi of course with Eicca. Paavo and Mikko shared the third bedroom, me and Die the fourth one. Kaoru and Perttu had to share the fifth bedroom as they were the only ones left. They didn’t seem to mind.

      After unpacking my luggage I took a quick shower and changed clothes for the evening. We headed together with Die downstairs to our common living room, where some of our team mates were already sitting and watching TV.  The living room was two stories high except close to the walls where the view was obstructed by the staircases leading to upstairs bedrooms. A group of two long sofas, two armchairs and a table occupied the centre of the room.  A large fire place and a sizable flat screen TV covered the western wall. The eastern side had well equipped kitchen facilities separated from the living room with a see-through kitchen isle. The southern wall was mostly window. The snow covered scenery formed a living artwork: the sun had just set and the scenery was filled with blue shadows turning darker every minute.  We sat on the sofas admiring the fading light and watching news on TV. The weather report promised sunshine for the next few days. When the rest of the team joined us we all headed to a close by restaurant to celebrate the start of our winter holiday. Anna wanted to rest after the long bus ride and didn’t join us.

      The dinner was nice but I think at least the three of us were a bit tired after our nightclub adventures and eight hours bus drive. We retired early as everybody needed a good night’s sleep before our program filled tomorrow.


	14. At the dinner

# Vinushka

 

## At the Dinner (14)

      I hated feeling sick all the time. Every time there was a chance I escaped into my old familiar body. When Kyo left for dinner, I released Vinushka to rest from her pregnancy. I had my back aches and sleeping problems but otherwise I felt great. I had reserved a room for myself in a ski resort hotel close to the villa where Dir En Grey and Apocalyptica were staying.  The restaurant they were now heading was in my hotel.

      I selected a table close by to be able to keep an eye on them. They had no idea who I was; just another read headed woman in her jeans and leather jacket dining alone. Kyo was clearly worried about Vinushka. He kept eying his watch and probably wanted the dinner to be over as soon as possible. Jeez, I loved him so much!

      Die seemed to be doing better but he looked tired. He was sitting beside Shinya, who had clearly taken the responsibility of keeping his spirits up. Shinya deserved my respect for that. My feelings for Die were hard to define.  I couldn’t help wanting him. He was so beautiful with his gorgeous smile and yet so vulnerable. I loved the thought of being together with him and teaching him to ski tomorrow.

      Tochi had eyes only for Eicca, but I wasn’t so sure about Eicca.  He seemed to be somehow nervous and distracted. I saw him check his cell phone now and then and he even stood up twice to take a call in private. I wasn’t sure if it was business or family matters.  He hadn’t spent much time with his family lately so it wouldn’t be a surprise if his wife was getting pissed off.

      It was nice to watch how Perttu and Kaoru were getting more and more in love. Kaoru-sama had probably tried to ignore his feelings for Perttu but now he had given up. I could see it in the way he was watching Perttu and how they touched each other. Loving another man wasn’t easy even here in Finland, where being gay was a relatively well accepted thing.

        I was finishing my own dinner when I had a strange feeling that I was being watched. I raised my eyes and ended up looking directly into Kyo’s dark eyes.  He gazed at me as if he was trying to read my mind. I smiled at him and lowered my eyes. Luckily a waiter came by with my bill and obstructed the view towards Kyo. I didn’t want to wake up his attention any more than was necessary.

       I had to hurry and summon Vinushka back before Kyo would return to their villa after the dinner. I didn’t want to worry him by being lost. So he found me sleeping in their double bed safe and sound when he opened the door and slipped quietly in.


	15. Discussion at night

## Discussion at night (15)

       I woke up in the middle of the night and needed to pee again. I climbed out of my bed and headed for the bathroom. When I was opening the bathroom door I thought I heard voices downstairs. I opened our door carefully and peeked out. Nothing there. I sneaked quietly to peak down from the upstairs railing. Eicca was sitting in one of the armchairs and speaking with someone over the phone. The man looked extremely distressed and angry. I froze to listen.

      “Why are you spying on my business emails?” he asked trying to control his anger… “Yes I _did_ ask you to do that, but I didn’t ask you to read everything through! ... “What pictures?” he asked sounding beaten… “He’s one of the Dir En Grey guys. His name is Toshiya”, he finally managed to reply after a long and loud exchange at the other end of the line.

      “No, I can’t return right now. We have just arrived here and we have a three day reservation… C’mon, we have our co-operation agreement. I just can’t walk out of this like that… Please don’t come here. You’ll ruin their holiday!” he finally pleaded.

      It seemed that his wife had found the pictures that Tochi had taken during Eicca’s Tokyo visit and sent him.  I had no idea what the pictures contained but they must have been compromising. Why did I have to urge him to take selfies with Eicca!

     “Okay, I will see what I can do about it. Let’s talk about this when we return on Monday.”

      Eicca closed his phone and sat in his chair looking desperate. He leaned over and hid his face in his hands. He was probably crying. I felt so sorry for him and Tochi. He had to make up his mind very soon. He couldn’t have his family and Tochi at the same time. I knew what he would decide. I should warn his bandmates about the coming catastrophe. I didn’t want to ruin their holiday either so I decided to keep this to myself as long as possible. Eicca probably didn’t have the heart to say anything to Tochi while they were here.


	16. The real Anna

## The real Anna (16)

      “Please wake up, Kyo”, I whispered quietly from my chair. I was sitting in our bedroom chair as Anna, not as Vinushka, watching Kyo sleep his hand tugged under his chin. The day was just dawning filling the room with mysterious blue light.  I had selected my position a bit further away from the bed - I didn’t want to upset him by being too close. After all I was a complete stranger to him although I knew him inside out.

      “What is it?” he mumbled sounding sleepy. “Is something wrong?”

      “No, everything’s ok. It’s me, the real Anna.”

In a second he was up, sitting on his bed staring at me. “Where’s Anna?” he asked looking worried.

      “She’s not here. I wanted to talk with you and rest a while from her pregnancy”, I explained giving him time to get used to me. “You wanted to see me. So now I’m here.”

     “I saw you at the restaurant”, Kyo remembered.  “Can I first go to the bathroom?” he suddenly asked looking a bit embarrassed.

     “Take your time. I’m not in a hurry”, I assured him and tried not admire too much his gorgeous body dressed only in pyjama bottoms.

      I sat in silence and waited for him to return. I didn’t know how to explain him the problem we had with Vinushka and the baby. Kyo looked more composed when he returned from the bathroom. He sat on the bed gazing at me with a curious look in his eyes. “So that’s you now…I didn’t imagine you’d be like that”, he smiled. “That red hair suits you.”

      “Were you expecting something more like a granny?” I grinned. I had my jeans, boots and leather jacket on and I sure as hell didn’t look or feel like a granny, but I wasn’t thirty either like Vinushka.

      “Please come here and sit with me”, Kyo asked tapping the bed beside him. I rose from my chair and walked over to him. He watched my every movement with his keen dark eyes. My heart started pounding so hard he probably could hear it and, to make it worse, I blushed.

     “Please don’t look at me like that. It makes me remember all the things we have done in my spirit body.”

      “Remember what I told you in Die’s kitchen. I don’t care if you are young or old. I love your spirit and both of your bodies and the baby.” he whispered and took my hand into his. Why was I feeling so unsure and self-conscious? As Vinushka I had no problems in facing him and letting him touch me. Now I flinched at his every movement.  Kyo noticed that too. “Why don’t you believe me? Just relax. We’ve known each other for a long time.”

      “Yeah, I know that, but I just can’t help it. I’m afraid that you’ll run away horrified by my wrinkles.”

       “Please let me kiss you”, he pleaded taking my face between his hands. His soft lips almost exploded my brain. “There…does it feel any better?”

      “Not yet”, I replied and kissed him in return. I was afraid I was losing my mind when he responded and slid his hands down the sides of my neck to my shoulders and arms.

      “Should we make love to make you relax?” he proposed and caressed my cheek with his hand.

      “I haven’t done that for ages with anyone”, I confessed. “I mean in _this_ body”

      “I’ll be careful”, he promised.

      “Okay, we can try”, I finally agreed feeling both hot desire and panic at the same time.

      Kyo stood up and helped me up too. “First we should get rid of these”, he grinned nipping my t-shirt with his fingers. I gave him my jacket and stripped of my t-shirt and jeans. I had my beautiful blue lace bra and panties on but I still couldn’t help being embarrassed. “Your body is beautiful”, he smiled and stepped closer to remove my bra. Holy shit, why was this so painful? I should be proud of myself.  I had given my body a complete hair removal; I didn’t want him or even myself to see how I was getting grey down there. “That’s nice”, he breathed when he saw my naked pussy.

      “Can I?” I asked reaching my hand to remove his pyjama bottoms. I could see he was ready to make love judging by the tent he had there. Holy crap, he was enormous.

     “You’re breathtakingly beautiful”, I whispered and caressed his stem with my hand.

     “I know”, he smiled and grabbed my hand to take me to bed with him.

      For a while he just held me in his arms. He probably waited for my pounding heart to settle down. His hands wandered around my body starting from my breasts down to my naked sex. His gentle fingers rubbed my clit and dived inside me to feel if I was ready for him. I was.

      “Are you ready?” he asked and kissed my lips very gently. “Yes”, I breathed. I tried to relax when I felt his dick pushing its way slowly inside me. I grabbed a breath when I felt him reach the bottom filling me completely. “Perfect fit”, I managed to whisper and kissed his Damned.

      After that it’s hard to remember any details. We just sank into each other feeling an overwhelming joy of being one.  He was young, strong and an experienced lover so he took his time to let me and himself enjoy these moments. Finally I could see his was close to exploding. “Please come”, I pleaded wanting desperately to feel his warm bursts inside my body. His final thrusts sent also me to oblivion. I hadn’t expected an orgasm but there it was, squeezing the last drops from his dick.

     He laid on top of my body and inside me for a long time. Maybe this was my one and only chance to be with him like this. I didn’t want to let him go.

      After our love making I had my chance to tell him why I was there. I told him about my theories and speculations how this whole sprit travelling thing worked. “So the baby should be born here”, I finally concluded. “Vinushka can’t take the baby with her to the other world if he’s born here. That will be painful for her. But I can’t have her here all the time. I will have to be the mother myself when Vinushka is not here.”

      “So the baby will have two mothers and one father?  Kyo asked. “Yes, exactly”, I answered.


	17. Another virgin

# Die

 

## Another virgin (17)

      Shinya stepped out of our common bathroom wearing a towel on his waist and drying his hair with another one. His body looked really gorgeous nowadays.  He had broad shoulders and extremely narrow waist. He had been actively working out for some time already.

      I watched him dry his hair feeling a slight tension in my groin. “Your body looks good”, I complimented him.  He stopped in front of me hanging the towel in his hand. “Glad you like it”, he smiled and gazed me with his big brown eyes.

      “Have you ever…. I mean has Kyo fucked your ass?” he suddenly asked lowering his eyes.

      I felt a sudden pang of desire mixed with pain. “Yes, he’s done that.”

      “But his dick is so enormous. Doesn’t it hurt?” Shinya wanted to know blushing.

      “No, he was very gentle with me”, I replied my voice breaking down and tears filling my eyes. I wasn’t yet ready to talk about him in past tense, as my ex-lover.

      “Sorry I didn’t want to upset you”, Shinya whispered. “I was just thinking…. I’d like you to be the first one for me.”

      I dried my eyes and smiled at him. “That would be a great honour for me but I think I can’t do it right now. I don’t have any condoms or lube with me”, I told him hoping that my excuses weren’t too obvious.

      “I’ll go and ask if Kaoru has any to spare”, Shinya enthused and drew the jeans on his naked body.  Before I could say anything he was out of the door. After some minutes he returned with a victorious smile on his face. “Kaoru was very well stocked. He gave me a whole package and a lube.”

      “Bet Perttu is having a hard time with him”, I guessed and smiled at the thought.

       Shinya handed the condoms and the lube to me and stripped his jeans off standing in front of me stark naked. “Please, will you help me?” he pleaded blinking his innocent eyes at me. He knew I couldn’t resist that look.  I remembered how gorgeous he was in Seattle wearing his red velvet dress. Finally I resigned to his innocent charm. The hell with Kyo… Shinya wanted me to rid himself of his virginity and had selected me for the job. What was I complaining about?

       “Ok, come here.” I took his hand and drew him close to me.  His dick was ready for me. His breathing hitched when my lips touched the head of his dick. “Oh please, let me suck you. I love it so very much”, he breathed.  Saying that he pushed me on the bed and kneeled beside me. His lips found my dick and he started to suck me gently. I didn’t want him to make me come. “Please, put the condom on me”, I asked, ready to fuck him. He did my bidding and stopped to wait for my instructions. “How do you want me?” he asked.

      “I think it’s easier from behind”, I guessed from my own experience. I asked him to kneel in front of me, his back towards me, and started to push my shaft inside him trying to be as gentle as possible. With plenty of lube I managed to sink myself in without hurting him. “Jeeeez”, he moaned and grabbed my hair.  “Please put your hands on the bed”, I ordered him. I grabbed his waist and started moving carefully. My God, he looked so wonderful from behind. I had to restrain myself, not to push too hard. I really didn’t want his first experience to be painful. Finally I just couldn’t take it anymore. I exploded inside him letting my brain switch off.


	18. Skiing lessons

## Skiing lessons (18)

      I woke up next morning with Shinya still tugged safely in my arms. The sun was shining and I felt extremely good. I must have been exhausted last night. I kissed Shinya’s bare neck and slid my hand on his gorgeous hip. “Rise and shine, you sleepyhead”, I whispered in his ear. He yawned and turned to face me. “Thanks for helping me.” 

       “That was a pleasure”, I replied politely meaning what I said. It was so easy to be with him. “How about a shower and some breakfast together?” I asked knowing that he probably also liked my company. We climbed out of our bead, refreshed ourselves in the shower and headed downstairs for the breakfast. Our team was already there enjoying coffee, orange juice, toast and yoghurt. Most of us were heading for a snowshoe safari but I had my skiing lessons with Anna.  Anna wasn’t up to participating in the snowshoe safari so we decided to use the time for my skiing lessons.  I wasn’t afraid of them anymore; I knew she meant well and wasn’t going to force me into anything I didn’t want to do.

      We put on our skiing outfits in our rooms and then headed for the marked cross-country tracks starting close by.  We both carried our skis on the shoulder not to damage their bottom surfaces on the road that had been sprinkled with gravel. There was a small circular track in the starting area that was probably intended for teaching kids to ski. With my skiing experience I could be classified as a kid. So we started our lesson there. Anna helped me to put the skis on and showed how to use them. I was relieved when the skis weren’t too slippery and I could really move forward with them. Anna explained that the skis had some kind of nano-surface that didn’t need any complex waxing operations. After a half an hour practice I felt confident enough to follow her on a short three kilometre track starting there.

      The track took us first into a forest and then down to a lake covered with ice and snow.  The slope to the lake was quite steep. I let Anna show me first how to glide downhill in correct position. She managed to glide down the slope without problems and stood at the bottom beckoning me to follow. I was horrified but followed her example and started my glide down. Somewhere in the middle of the slope I lost my balance and landed on my back beside the track.

      Anna hurried back up to rescue me from the snow. She was laughing almost double at my bewildered expression. I had lost my other ski somewhere and had snow everywhere, including my ears. She giggled still when she offered me her hand to pull me back on my feet again. I managed almost to get up but then I fell again taking her with me into the snowdrift. She landed on top of me banging her head on mine. Ouch…

      “Did I hurt you?” she asked looking worried but then she smiled and suddenly kissed my forehead with her soft lips.

      “No, it’s probably only a bump”, I replied staring at her grey eyes so close to mine. After some struggling we managed finally to get up and continue our skiing.

       On the other side of the lake there was a small log cabin with firewood stacked beside its low wall and wooden benches surrounding a campfire place. We stopped at the benches to rests and enjoy the silence. The only thing we could hear was birds singing and wind rustling the fir branches. Anna dug up a small vacuum flask with coffee and couple of sandwiches from her knapsack.  We enjoyed our snack in silence admiring the beautiful sceneries around us.  Suddenly Anna pointed at the lake. A fox with a handsome white tipped tail was crossing the lake not so far from us. I understood what she had meant with hearing your thoughts. This was really the place to listen to them.

      On the way back we had to climb a slope leading from the lake back to the confines of the forest. Climbing up felt easier than skiing downhill. I grasped the technique quite quickly after Anna had shown me how to spread the skis in easier slopes or climb sideways at steeper points.  In the forest the track had only mild slopes up and down so I managed to stay upright back to our starting point.

       “You’re getting some colour in your cheeks”, Anna remarked when we were leaving our skis against the storage room wall and enjoying the spring sunshine. “How is your bump doing?” she asked sliding her fingers on my forehead to feel it.

      “Don’t worry. My band mates have banged my head with various items like microphones and guitars during our concerts. I’ll survive”, I grinned and felt the bump myself. It was a bit sore.

      We decided to have a lunch together as the rest of the team had not returned from the snowshoe safari. Just when we were about to leave to the restaurant Anna started looking pale and rushed into the nearest bathroom. I waited her to return feeling extremely anxious. “It’s high time to eat something”, she explained after returning back to me. “The little one is making me vomit, if I don’t eat regularly.” I was relieved. I didn’t want her to lose the baby, it meant so much to her and Kyo.

      The road down from the restaurant was slippery so Anna held my hand for support. She didn’t let go even when we reached the level road leading to our villa. I didn’t mind, her hand felt good. When we reached the house we noticed that the guys were back. They were sitting in the living room enthusing about the sceneries and wildlife they had seen during their safari. Kyo had taken several rolls of film with his camera. “Whatever happened to your forehead?” Kyo asked when we entered the living room. Did you bump into a tree?”

      “No it was just Anna. She practiced her head butt with me”, I grinned and winked at Anna.


	19. Like a geisha

# Toshiya

 

## Like a geisha (19)

       Eicca’s phone started ringing when we were having our dinner at the skiing resort on Thursday night. First I thought they were business calls but judging by his reactions they weren’t. ”What is it?” I asked after he had taken his second call in private. ”Is there a problem at home?”

      “Yes, one of my sons got a flu and he asked my permission to skip school tomorrow”, he explained. That sounded like a typical family matter to me, but I couldn’t understand why he was so distracted.

      The restaurant was cosy and the food excellent but still the feeling in our team was a bit downcast. Most of us were tired after the long bus drive. Anna had skipped the dinner altogether wanting to rest. Myself, Die and Shinya had stayed up late last night so I also would have rather laid in my bed in Eicca’s arms than sat here listening to the prattle of my band mates and Apocalyptica guys. Consequently we ended our dinner early and headed back to our villa to rest.

      It was nice to walk home under Eicca’s arm. The winter night was beautiful and the snow was squeaking under our shoes. The pitch black sky was filled with millions of stars. You couldn’t see them anywhere as clearly as here. The metropolis lights always obscured the sky in places like Tokyo. 

      “Will you come to bed with me?” I asked when I had showered and washed my teeth. “Sure”, Eicca smiled and grabbed me in his arms in the middle of the floor. I had only my towel on my waist and he robbed me even that. “That’s better”, he mused and dragged me towards the bed.

      “I love your ass”, he whispered when he laid beside me and slid his hand along my back to my behind. “Would you like to make love or are you too tired?” he asked.

      “I’m never _that_ tired”, I snickered and felt the familiar tension grow in my groin. Thinking about him fucking my ass always turned me on.

      He inserted a pillow under me and turned off his cell phone. He didn’t want any disturbance while we were making love. I lay on the bed my eyes closed listening and waiting. I could hear him open the condom package and put it on. The anticipation both exited and tortured me. I only opened my eyes when he had pushed himself inside me all the way to the hilt. Strands of his blond hair flowed over my head and shoulders when he kissed my neck. “You’re the most beautiful thing in the world”, he whispered in my ear sinking himself inside me with almost unbearable gentleness over and over again. At some stage I felt a tear drop on my cheek. “Why are you crying?” I asked feeling confused. “It’s nothing, I’m just so happy”, he breathed in my ear.

      After he had done his thing with me he turned me to face him and took my hard dick in his hand. I was so turned on it almost hurt. All I wanted was to fuck _him_ but I wasn’t sure this was the right time for that. “Can I fuck _you_ the next time?” I asked.

      “I haven’t done that before, but I think we can try”, he promised.

      “Now I think you should suck me. I want to watch”, I continued. I sat up, kneeled on the bed and sat on my heels my dick pointing at the ceiling, waiting for him.

      “You’re like a geisha”, he admired my posture. “Except for this.” He leaned over and sunk my dick deep into his mouth. It was lovely to watch his lips and tongue caress my manhood. I was so turned on to begin with that I couldn’t hold back very long. My back arched and I shot my load on his hands and face. I just couldn’t help giggling when I watched him wipe his face.

      “Why did you want to smear yourself with my stuff?” I asked.

     “Don’t know, I just needed to know how it feels”, he smiled and grabbed some more tissues from the bedside table.


	20. The snowshoe safari

## The snowshoe safari (20)

      I was so happy when I woke up next morning and the sun was shining. Eicca was lying beside me his arm covering his face. He was probably still asleep so I sneaked to the bathroom and prepared myself for the day. When I was ready I returned to sit on the bed and tickled his side to wake him up. He wasn’t at all happy about my waking attempts. I was puzzled. Yesterday evening he was happy and now he was like a grizzly bear. “Did you have difficulties to sleep?” I asked feeling anxious.

       “Sorry, I had a really bad night” he finally admitted. He looked tired, almost exhausted.

       “Maybe a shower and a breakfast will help”, I proposed. I was really worried for him now. Was he getting the same flu his son had?

      Eicca seemed to feel better when we had finished our breakfast and dressed for the snowshoe safari starting at ten o’clock. Everybody was going to participate in the safari except Anna and Die, who was going to have the long dreaded skiing lessons with Anna. We all did our best to scare the shit out of him, but he was remarkably calm. Maybe he had forgotten altogether Santa’s warnings about breaking his neck with the skis. Anyways he walked away smiling his rock star smile wearing sunglasses, brand new skiing outfit and carrying the skis on his shoulder. Anna followed him looking also well rested and perky. “Good luck”, I shouted after them.

       The weather was gorgeous for our safari. The snowdrifts had a hard surface after last night’s frost and it was easy to walk with the snowshoes that looked like deformed tennis rackets. Our guide took us through forests and fields explaining all about the local nature and animal tracks visible everywhere. Kyo had his camera with him. I was afraid that we’d lose him when he was crawling in thickets under the trees concentrating only on his photography. I had also my iPhone with me and took some photos too but I was afraid the thing would freeze and kept it mostly in my breast pocket.

       We had a lunch break at a small cottage located on a sheltered hill slope facing south. Our snack was only coffee and sandwiches, but it tasted really good after all this physical exercise. We sat there in the brilliant spring sunshine and admired the wild looking sceneries.  I was relieved that Kyo was still with us and joked about that. Kyo frowned at me; his sense of humour was non-existent when it came to taking photos. To humour him I took a group picture of all the guys sitting on huge log benches in front of the cabin.

      While I had my phone available I browsed through some Tokyo pictures I had taken together with Eicca. They always made me happy. I loved especially the one where we were kissing naked in front of a mirror.  I had also recorded the climax of our last lovemaking in Tokyo. I had listened to it over and over again. His whispers telling he loved me and wanted me more than anything else had kept me alive all those weeks without him. I had shared the pictures with Eicca, but the recording I had kept only to myself.

      During our return walk we stopped at a feeding place intended for wild animals and birds. We thought we saw a moose feeding there, but whatever it was, it escaped when we came too close. The snow was covered with thousands of animal tracks. Our guide told us that he had seen a wolverine and pack of wolves here also. Now, in the broad daylight, it was mostly birds that came to feed here.

       It was already past lunch time when we returned to the resort. Die and Anna walked back to the house just after our return. They’d had lunch together and looked very satisfied and happy. Die had a bluish bruise on his forehead but otherwise he seemed to be ok.

     “So you’re a qualified cross-country skier now?” I teased him.

     “Sure, I can beat you any time”, Die boasted full of confidence.

     “Ok, we’ll have to see about that in a competition then”, I challenged him knowing that I’d probably be beaten if I didn’t get some lessons myself.


	21. Skiing competition

## Skiing competition (21)

       “Please Anna, I need skiing lessons. I was stupid enough to challenge Die and you know how he is. If I’m not up to my word, he will mock me the next ten years for that.” I almost prayed Anna to help me. We were sitting in the living room alone; everyone else had gone up to their rooms to rest after the safari and late lunch. I was happy that Die wasn’t here listening to my humiliation.

     “Ok, we have to rent skis for you tomorrow. Maybe we could arrange a pair completion in the afternoon. I can ask if Paavo and Mikko would like to compete as our second pair.” Anna seemed to be quite happy to teach me and arrange some fun for us.

      “Can we practise in the morning then?” I asked worrying about the schedule.

      “You’ve had much more physical exercise than Die so I think it’s easier for you to learn the technique and keep your balance.  If we start at ten in the morning, we’ll have plenty of time to practice”, Anna replied appreciating my currently very wiry body. I was relieved to hear that.

     “Will you be joining us in smoke sauna this evening?” I asked not knowing if it was customary for men and women to have sauna together.

      “I will join you in the bathtub outside smoke sauna”, she smiled guessing what I was worried about.

      “You boys can keep the sauna to yourselves this time.”

\------

     My skiing lessons started, as agreed, Saturday morning at ten.  Anna was right. I didn’t have problems to grasp the idea of traditional cross-country skiing. I managed to lose my balance only once when I tripped over my own ski pole. Anna was patient and taught me all the tricks needed in skiing both up and downhill. I actually felt very confident after the two hours we spent in the tracks circling around the forests and lakes.

      Anna had persuaded all Apocalyptica guys to join the competition. Paavo and Mikko were our first pair, Eicca and Perttu the second and myself and Die the third pair.  We gathered at the start area at two o’clock after the lunch and some rest. Eicca, Perttu, Kaoru and Kyo had taken a bus in the morning to visit the close by city of Sotkamo for some shopping. It was their task to find suitable prizes for the winners.

      I and Die started last because we were obviously the slowest pair of the three. Die flashed a wide grin at me at the starting line. Jeez, the man had so beautiful smile that it almost made me surrender there and then. Anna woke me up from my reverie by shouting ready, steady…GO! Die got a head start, but I gained rapidly his lead after I got my competitive instincts up and running. Die had still a small lead when we arrived to the abrupt downhill slope leading to the lake. He managed to keep his balance almost to the end of the slope, but then he fell over and I bumped into him at full speed.

      I found myself lying on top of Die in the snowdrift. He wiped snow from his face and looked terribly confused. I laughed first at his expression but then I just stared into his face. He was so close… When he noticed my stare he flashed his most beautiful smile, grabbed my face into his hands and kissed me very gently. He was my friend, what was he doing? His lips felt so soft and cosy, I knew this guy and trusted him… An overwhelming surge of happiness flooded my mind and I responded to his kiss. I didn’t care that his face was wet with snow. I just wanted to eat him alive.  Our kiss lasted for ages, turning from gentle into fierce and back to gentle again. Die was breathing hard and his hands grabbed my body as if he was afraid of drowning in the snowdrift.

      “Sorry, but I think we should continue our competition. They’ll think we’ve got lost if we don’t show up very soon”, Die remarked and caressed my cheek with his hand. I felt embarrassed; why had I let myself be carried away like that? But I wasn’t sorry. Anyway it took a while before we had retrieved Die’s other ski, that had run away, and got our gear ready for skiing again.

      “Can I ski at the lead? I can probably keep my balance better than you”, I proposed. The track across the lake to the cottage and back again was easy and we cleared that leg quite fast.  The abrupt slope back to the forest was difficult for Die.

      “Do I need to come and push you from behind?" I snickered as I waited for him at the top of the slope.

      “You just keep your dirty hands off of my bottom”, Die puffed and finally managed to climb up the slope.

      After that it was easy going. I actually started to enjoy this skiing thing. I used both my hands and feet to gain speed and finally I felt I was flying ahead on my skis. I could hear Die was following me but he was breathing very hard. Luckily I had quit smoking already some time ago.

      I stopped to wait for Die just before we would arrive back to our starting point. “How are you doing?” I asked when he stopped at my heel. “Will you let me win? I asked and winked my eye at him.

      “Yes, if you do me a favour in the future.”

      “What is it?” I wondered.

     “Nothing difficult”, he replied a mystical smile on his lips. “I’ll tell you when the time comes.”

     “Ok, if it’s something within reasonable limits”, I agreed and started skiing again. This time I put everything I had to the physical exercise I was doing. I felt great when I arrived at the finishing line where Anna and others were waiting for us. I had left Die quite far behind and was proud of myself.

      “You took your time then?" Kaoru grinned. “Did you get lost on the way?”

      “No, Die fell over and lost his other ski”, I explained leaving away the part we had spent kissing in the snowdrift.

     “How did you like skiing? Anna asked watching my happy face. “It was actually very nice. I felt I was flying ahead”, I replied.

      When Die finally reached the finishing line we gave each other a high five and I hugged him as thanks for fair competition.

      “Ok, the winners are Mikko, Perttu and Toshiya”, Anna announced. “You will get your prizes this evening at the dinner. We will spend this night at the villa making music and playing games.” That sounded nice to me.


	22. My turn

# Kaoru

 

## My turn (22)

       I was sitting in my room browsing through our business emails and waiting for Perttu to finish his shower when I heard a knock on the door. It was Shinya dressed only in his jeans. “Do you have any condoms to spare?” he asked blinking his big brown eyes as if he was borrowing eggs or sugar for baking. As it happened, I had plenty, so I borrowed him a whole package and a lube. I wondered if he needed them for himself or Die, but I decided not to ask anything.  He seemed to be in a hurry and was eager to leave after he’d got what he wanted. “Thanks” he waived his hand and winked his eye at me.

      Just when Shinya had closed the door, Perttu stepped out of the bathroom his long hair flowing over his shoulders. His blond hair made him look like a Viking. I felt a sharp pang of desire for him.  He had taken me in the bus, now it was my turn. I stood up from my chair and stepped in front of him. He gazed me with his grey eyes and smiled. “What is it?” I slid my hands on his tattooed arms and kissed his lips gently.

      “Can I make love to you? You’re so beautiful.”

      “Yes, Kaoru-sama”, he bowed his head looking very obedient although I knew he wasn’t. “How do you want me?” he carried on his act.

       I knew exactly how I wanted him. “I want to watch your face when I fuck you.” I grabbed his hand and made him lie on his back on the bed. I inserted a pillow under his bottom and raised his legs to have access to his behind. I could see how excited he was when I made him succumb to my orders. I put a condom on and added plenty of lube on him and myself. Then I started to push myself into him, slowly not to hurt him. I enjoyed watching the expressions change on his face when I sank myself into him. He gazed me in the eye and raised his hands to draw me closer. I bowed down and kissed him moving slowly inside him.

      He started to groan and grabbed my face as if wanting to devour me. We were locked in this passionate embrace all the time I fucked him. I pushed my fingers into his long hair and drowned myself into his hungry mouth. I lost my sense of time and place and finally couldn’t control myself anymore. “My God, I love you so much”, I whispered and shot my load into him after one giant thrust.

      I rested in his arms for a while gathering my strength.  Then I crawled down to take his waiting dick into my mouth. He didn’t need much encouragement with my lips and tongue before he exploded into my mouth. “I love you too”, he breathed as I returned to kiss him again.


	23. The crisis

## The crisis (23)

      Saturday evening at the villa sounded like a good idea. We bought some wine, beer and groceries during our visit to Sotkamo. Anna gave us a list of things we needed to buy and Eicca took care of the actual shopping. We visited also a department store to find suitable prizes for our skiing competition.  We ended up buying beautiful handmade knives for the winners and large Moomin mugs for everybody. I bought some souvenirs for my friends and Kyo headed to a bookstore to find a book containing nature photos of Finnish photographers.  I think he found a good one.

      After the skiing competition we headed back to the villa to have afternoon coffee and make arrangements for the evening. I needed to reply to some of my business emails and also write some new ones. The world didn’t stop while we were resting here. While I was doing that Perttu said he had ideas of a love song he wanted to share with me. We borrowed Eicca’s two guitars and headed downstairs to the living room to work with his ideas. The melody he had in mind was really beautiful but it needed something catchy in the chorus part.  I proposed him something I thought might suit the purpose and he accepted that. In no time we had a very nice love song coming along.  Kyo stalked by on his way to the kitchen. He stopped to listen and started to sing along something on top of his head in Japanese. Perttu gave him an admiring look. “We need lyrics for this piece. Would you like to help?  Japanese is okay, but I’d like to have it in English also.” 

       “Yeah, I can help. Anna could take care of the English lyrics”, Kyo replied.

      Our playing had aroused everybody’s interest and soon the whole team was downstairs giving their own input to the new song. Die was the last one to join us. He looked a bit stiff when he walked down the stairs.  “Need a massage?” Tochi snickered.

       “Probably yes”, Die replied grimacing when he sat down on the sofa.

      Anna had ordered our dinner portions from a local restaurant. Their car delivered our food at six o’clock. All we had to do was to lay the table and serve the refreshments for everybody.  Before serving the dessert Anna called silence and started the prize ceremony with Kyo. The winners got their knives accompanied with applause and lot of cheering. Kyo distributed Moomin mugs to everybody. Each mug had a small card with a short poem in Japanese and English. Probably Anna had wanted everybody to have a personal message. My poem said: “Open your heart and let love enter. Life is too short to be wasted in emails.”

      Just after we had finished the dessert we heard the doorbell ring. Eicca frowned and hurried to check the door. We weren’t expecting any visitors. After a while Eicca returned to the living room with a beautiful read headed woman. “Please meet my wife Kirsi”, he introduced her. He really got everybody’s attention with his words. “These guys are Dir En Grey, our Japanese partner. Please meet Kaoru, Die, Kyo, Toshiya and Shinya”, he continued and her wife came to shake hands with everybody.

      “Will you join us for a glass of wine?” I proposed.

      “No thanks. I would like to talk with my husband”, she said eying at Eicca.

      “We can talk upstairs in my room”, Eicca proposed and shot a worried glance at Tochi, who was sitting on his chair pale and wordless. I watched him too. This surprise was clearly too much for him. We had a crisis in our hands, I concluded.

      Die was the first one to react when Eicca had vanished upstairs with his wife. “Will you give me the massage you promised?” he asked Tochi. Tochi didn’t say anything but stood up and let Die drag him by the hand to Die’s room.

      It didn’t take long before Eicca’s door opened. “You’re not staying here a minute longer. I have reserved a room for us in the hotel”, we heard her say. “Sorry for the disturbance”, she apologized when she returned downstairs. “Eicca will move tonight to the close by hotel with me.” I could see her eyes were searching for Tochi, but luckily Die had hidden him at the last minute. “Have a good night”, she waived her hand at us and walked out of the door looking satisfied.

      An awkward silence fell over our little party that was now three persons short. I stood up just to do something. “I think I’ll go and see how Die’s doing with Tochi. Perttu, will you check on Eicca?” I asked worrying that he might also need help. Anna started to clean up the table with Paavo, Mikko and Shinya.

      I knocked quietly on Die’s door. Die opened the door carefully and looked relieved when he saw it was me. “How is he?” I asked.

      “He’s in some kind of shock and I put him into bed. He’s shaking all over”, Die replied and glanced over his shoulder to check on Tochi. “What’s happening out there?” Die asked.

      “Eicca’s wife wants him to move to her hotel tonight. I think he’s packing his bags at the moment. They probably have quite a few things to sort out. Please let me know if you need help here.” Die nodded his consent and returned quietly to the dimly lit room.

      I stalked downstairs and started playing the song we had just composed. Playing relaxed my nerves as always. It also filled the silence that felt strangely oppressive. Perttu returned after some time and Eicca followed him with his luggage. “Will you take care of Tochi?” he asked sounding discouraged. “I’ll have to sort things out with my wife.”

      “Sure”, I replied. “And good luck!”

       “I need that”, Eicca sighed and walked out of the door to follow his wife.


	24. The question

## The question (24)

       I woke up early Sunday morning after the crisis. Perttu was sleeping beside me his long hair spread on the pillow. I watched the tattoos on his arm and shoulder. He was such a talented, beautiful, gentle and lively person. I knew I couldn’t find anybody even close to him in the whole world. I had found what I wanted.

     Music and work had always been my passions, but now I was forty and that wasn’t enough anymore.  I needed a mate and a family. Kyo was going to be a father, maybe we could also find a way.  Okay, there was this small problem: he lived here in Finland and I in Japan only half a world apart. But the problems are there to be conquered so I decided to give it a try.

       I couldn’t resist the temptation to kiss him. He mumbled something in Finnish and folded his arm around me. I crawled closer to him and held him against my body as I had done in Die’s study in Tokyo. I could feel his erection against my belly. I let my hands wander on his body, downs his back, along his sides and from his chest to his hip.

      “I love you”, I whispered to him to wake him up properly.

      “Then do something about it”, he snickered surprising me by being wide awake.

       “What do you want me to do?” I asked knowing that he most likely just wanted me to make love with him.  “Can I propose to you here in bed or do I need to dress up and kneel on the floor?” I asked with innocent eyes.

      “The bed is okay”, he smiled probably thinking I was just joking.

      “I love you more than anything else in the world. Will you marry me?”

      I gazed into his grey eyes and waited for his answer. “You’re not joking?” he whispered.

      “I’m not joking. I want to marry you. Please, say yes!”

      There were probably at least a million reasons to say no and only one reason to say yes fighting in his head at this moment. “Yes, I will marry you although I don’t know how we can do that”, he finally consented.

      “Don’t worry, I know.” I grabbed him in my arms and kissed him to stop his speculations. The kiss lead us into a passion that was almost unbearable. I just couldn’t get enough of his hair, his lips, his dick, his ass, his everything… We devoured each other until we were so exhausted that we couldn’t move a hand…

      “When do we tell to our band mates?” Perttu asked when we had finally returned back to earth from our space odyssey.

     “We could do it tonight at the dinner”, I proposed. It would be nice to hear some good news for a change. “They will probably want to know some practical details about the wedding like where and when. Do you have any good ideas?”

      ”I’d like to keep it private, just the closest people. At Midsummer here in Finland somewhere in the archipelago or on the countryside would be nice.

     “Where’s my ring?” Perttu suddenly asked trying to look offended. “Sorry, I don’t have any with me now. We can buy them when we return to Helsinki.”


	25. Endless tears

# Die

 

## Endless tears (25)

      “Did she leave already?” Tochi asked when I returned from the door. “Yes I think so. Kaoru told me she’s taking Eicca with her to the hotel to sort things out”, I replied and crawled beside him on the bed. He was shaking like he was freezing to death. I collected all blankets I could find on top of him and tried to keep him warm with my body.

      “I think I don’t need this anymore”, he whispered and took the onyx ring from his finger handing it to me. “Please give it to Eicca if you see him tonight.” After saying that he closed his eyes and tears started flowing down his cheeks in a seemingly endless flow. I held my arms around him and let him cry until he fell asleep. I pushed the ring in my pocket and hoped we would never have met its giver. I was furious for Tochi.

       When Tochi was finally sleeping I sneaked out of the room to find out what had happened. Kaoru was still downstairs with Perttu. “Is he ok?” Kaoru asked when I headed for the kitchen to get me a beer.

      “He sleeping now. He cried for several hours but I think he will survive. He wanted me to return his ring to Eicca”, I replied. “Can you take it to him?” I asked Perttu who was sitting silently beside Kaoru.

      “Yeah, I can do that”, he promised. I dug the ring out of my pocket and handed it to Perttu. “It’s beautiful”, he said quietly and stared at the ring on his palm. I could see he was touched by the sad story behind it but there was also something else in the way he was looking at it and Kaoru.  Maybe he was afraid that the same destiny was waiting for them.

      We chatted a while as I finished my beer. Then I headed back upstairs to watch over Tochi. Shinya was sleeping in Tochi’s bed while Eicca was away. I was almost exhausted when I crawled into my bed. I made sure Tochi was okay, closed my eyes and fell into a dreamless sleep.

\-----

      I woke up next morning when something was tickling my cheek. It was Tochi. He stared me straight in the eye his face very close to mine. He had used a strand of my hair to wake me up. “Good morning”, he said and smiled at me. “Thanks for saving my skin”. His eyes were still swollen after all the crying last night. I felt a pang of love and tenderness towards my unhappy friend. I wanted to kiss him and hold him in my arms, but I couldn’t. This was not the right time for that.

       “What happened to my ring?” he wondered looking at his bare hand.

      “Don’t you remember? You said you didn’t need it anymore and gave it to me. I asked Perttu to give it back to Eicca."

      “Maybe that’s better”, he replied looking thoughtful but then he burst into tears again.

      “Please don’t cry. We don’t know what happened until Eicca returns. Maybe his wife just wanted to make sure that Eicca doesn’t do anything stupid. She’s defending her kids and family. You know women, they are pretty fierce when it comes to that. She may very well accept your relationship with Eicca as long it doesn’t ruin their marriage”, I tried to comfort him and make him see the realities of life.

      “Maybe Eicca could survive in a relationship like that but I can’t.  I can’t stand the pain of loving and wanting him day in and day out. It’s consuming me alive. That’s why I wanted to give the ring back. I can’t do this."

      I understood Tochi’s point. “So you have made your decision?” I asked carefully and wiped his tears with my hand.

      “Yes I have”, he replied sounding very determined.


	26. Recovering

## Recovering (26)

       A knock at the door interrupted our face to face discussion. I climbed out of the bed and peeked carefully out of the door to check who it was. We didn’t need any new surprises now. It was Anna asking if we were coming downstairs for breakfast.

      “Anna wants us to join others for breakfast. Is it okay for you?” I asked Tochi who was now sitting on the bed his hair all messed up and eyes like tomatoes.

      “I need to take a shower and wash my teeth first. Do you have a spare toothbrush or can I use yours?”

      “Use mine. I’m not poisonous, as you might have noticed”, I sneered at him. I wanted him to remember our kiss yesterday.

      “I know that”, he smiled and poked me in the ribs on his way to the bathroom. “I need fresh clothes. Is somebody sleeping in my room?” he asked.

      “Shinya slept in your bed, but he’s probably up already. Eicca is not here.”

       Tochi looked much better when he returned from the shower. I waited for him to put on fresh clothes in his room and after that we headed downstairs to enjoy breakfast with our mates.

      “How are you feeling?” Anna asked and frowned at Tochi’s eyes that were still red and swollen.

       “I’m alright”, Tochi smiled at her probably a bit embarrassed because everybody was worrying about his wellbeing. He touched his other hand as if wanting to feel the ring he’d had, but gave it up then. The ring wasn’t there anymore.

       “Eicca called me this morning. He’s going to join us in the afternoon for the husky sleigh ride. He wanted to see you first. I wasn’t sure how long you’d sleep so I told him to come over at eleven o’clock. Please call him if that’s not okay for you”, Anna continued.

       “That’s fine for me”, Tochi replied and glanced at me. I knew he was afraid of meeting Eicca and hearing what he had to say. Tochi had made his own decision. Telling that to Eicca was the hardest part.

     “We have plenty of time before he comes. Would you like to come skiing with me?” I asked Tochi. I wanted to be with him and help him pass the time before the deadline.

     “Sure. The weather looks nice. We could take a bit longer track this time.”

      After the breakfast we headed towards the forests to ski. The morning was beautiful and the fresh air felt good. Physical exercise helped me to get rid of the anxiety and bitterness last night had generated. I didn’t want to remember Tochi’s endless tears and violently shaking body.

      Tochi was in the lead as he clearly was the better skier of us two. He was deep in his owns thoughts and we didn’t talk much. I enjoyed watching his fluid movements in front of me. The man was born to move. I honestly hoped that this exercise helped him to survive the ordeal waiting ahead.

      It was almost half past ten when we finally returned to the villa. Tochi’s cheeks had fresh colour and he clearly was in control of his feelings. He needed that to face Eicca. “I’ll go and take a shower before Eicca arrives”, he told me and headed for their common bedroom.

      “Good luck!” I shouted after him.


	27. The ring of pain

# Toshiya

 

## The ring of pain (27)

      I knew I wasn’t alone when I opened the door to my room. Eicca was sitting in the armchair looking sad and exhausted. “Hi, have you been waiting for long?” I greeted him not knowing what else to say.

     “Hi, I just arrived”, Eicca replied and gazed me with his worried eyes. “Anna told me that you had a really bad night yesterday. I’m so very sorry about all this”, he apologized and bowed his head in pain.

     “I feel much better now. Can I take a shower and change my clothes first?” I asked trying to buy some time to rearrange my thoughts. I showered quickly and put on my jeans and T-shirt. My head was buzzing with words but I couldn’t form any coherent sentences to explain him what I felt. So I just gave up and stepped out of the bathroom to face him.

     I sat on the bed at a safe distance from him. “Please tell me what happened?”

        “Eicca stared at his hands trying to figure out where to start. “My wife found the pictures you had sent me. They were very self-explanatory. There wasn’t much I could say… She called me several times during Thursday evening and we talked quite long during the night while you were sleeping. She wanted me to return immediately and threatened to come here if I didn’t.  I tried to persuade her to wait until Monday to our return. I thought she agreed to that but I was wrong…”

     “What did you tell her about us?”  I asked curious to hear myself what our story was.

      “I told her I had fallen in love with you already several years ago and met you again in Seattle before our Tokyo visit. Our relationship started to develop into a more serious direction at Tokyo and now we are here at the crossroads.”

     “She had browsed your pictures on the internet and was convinced that you had seduced me as a woman. She couldn’t understand that I loved you as a man, as yourself. So actually she came here to see you, her competitor.”

      “She was very beautiful. I’m not her competitor”. I couldn’t understand how anybody could think like that.

      “You don’t see yourself very clearly. You’re the most beautiful thing in the world to me, man or woman.” I could see in Eicca’s eyes that he meant what he said.

     “What will happen now?”

     “She wanted me to promise that I wouldn’t do anything to compromise our family or the band, but she didn’t insist me to end my relationship with you…”

      It was just like Die had anticipated. I was relieved and anxious at the same time. It was now my decision. Did I have the courage to end this relationship with him?

      “Perttu came by this morning and returned your ring to me. Would you like to take it back?” Eicca asked looking hopeful.

     “No, I don’t want it anymore… Loving you is killing me. I couldn’t eat or sleep when I missed you so much. It’s a ring of pain to me. I’m sorry…”

     “Yes, I could see that when you arrived. I didn’t understand it was so hard for you.” Eicca was now wearing my ring in his finger. “Maybe it’s my turn to wear it then…”

     “Please don’t punish yourself. I don’t want you to be unhappy. Just forget I ever existed and I’ll do the same.”

      Eicca stood up from his chair and stepped in front of me. “Just now I can’t promise you that. It’s impossible… Please, can I hold you?” he whispered and reached for my hand to help me up. I couldn’t refuse him when I looked into his grey eyes now filled with tears. He held me silently for a long time, his tears wetting my T-shirt. My eyes stayed dry; I couldn’t cry anymore.

     “Can I ask you one thing?” he finally broke the silence. “You said you wanted to make love to me. Do you still want it?”

     “Yes, but I’m not sure we should”, I replied afraid that I couldn’t keep my decision if I touched him like that.

     “Please, just this one time, tonight”, Eicca pleaded. “My wife will return to Helsinki today.  We have only tonight and two days left. After that God only knows when we’ll meet again. You asked me not to punish myself but now you are punishing me. I couldn’t help loving you and neither could you. We have so little time left and then it’s over.”

      I knew he was right. Why waste this time we still had as we both knew this was the end of it?

      “I guess you’re right. Will you move back here before our dinner?” I asked.

      “Actually I have my things with me right now”, Eicca smiled and kissed my lips lightly. “So no more tears?”

     “No more”, I agreed and kissed him in return, this time more passionately putting aside my fears and enjoying the moment.


	28. Surprises and bilberry pie

## Surprises and bilberry pie (28)

     We had lunch together with our band mates. At first the atmosphere was a bit reserved but lightened when everybody saw I was okay and smiled again. Eicca was wearing my ring. I guess he wanted to say he was sorry and show his commitment to me by doing that.

      The husky safari in the afternoon was a new experience for most of us. Managing an eager bunch of dogs wasn’t that easy, but once you got the hang of it, it was fun. I only tumbled once with my sleigh when I steered it too close to a tree stump. The sunny weather made our ride all the more enjoyable. I was happy that I forgot my sorrows for a while.

      At the lunch we decided to have our dinner at the Villa to relax properly and do all the things we had planned to do the previous night. At six o’clock we gathered again in the downstairs living room. Anna had managed to borrow a cello from somewhere. In addition to that we had Eicca’s two acoustic guitars. We could have live music in our party.

      Before sitting down at the dinner table Perttu played us some of his own compositions. He really was a skilful cellist. Tears were flowing freely down his cheeks when he concentrated on his performance. I wondered if he was happy or sad. It was nice to watch Kaoru’s face when he listened to Perttu’s playing. He was so proud of him and deeply in love.

       I sat on the sofa with Eicca. He held me under his arm and rested his cheek now and then on the top of my head. His long silky hair caressed my cheek and made my nose tickle. His other hand was holding mine. I felt safe and cosy there. Die didn’t look happy at all. Maybe he thought that I had reversed my decision. Shinya was keeping company to him so I wasn’t worried. He had his ways of keeping Die happy.

      Anna and Paavo had decided to cook our dinner this evening. We were going to have roasted marbled beef and garlic potatoes with salad.  Anna was baking a bilberry pie which was going to be served with vanilla sauce and coffee as dessert.

    The feelings at our dinner table were a bit mixed. Everybody was relieved that the nightmare of yesterday evening was behind us but also sad that our holiday would soon be over. These few days off had really made us forget the outside world. Kaoru seemed to be the only one worrying about business and emails.

      Shinya was desperately trying to tell jokes to Die, who was moping and probably had drunk again too much red wine for his wellbeing. I tried to share my attention between him and Eicca, but our coming separation weighted too much.

      In the middle of our dinner Kaoru stood up to speak. “I have an announcement to make… Myself and Perttu got today engaged to be married.” The silence that followed his words was tangible.

       Before anybody could react, I jumped up and rushed to hug him and Perttu. “Congratulations, I’m so glad for you.” Kaoru was probably the only person who could make a relationship like that work. I wasn’t so sure about Perttu. He was too much like me.

     Anna and Kyo were the next ones to recover from the shock. “When is the wedding?” they asked speaking on top of each other.

     “At Midsummer here in Turku archipelago”, Perttu replied and smiled at Kaoru. “I hope you all can make it here.”

     “Where are the rings?” I asked remembering the moment when I got mine in Tokyo.

     “We’ll buy the rings on Tuesday in Helsinki”, Kaoru replied. “This was a bit sudden decision.”

      Shinya dragged Die with him to congratulate the happy couple. Paavo and Mikko were also fast to comprehend what had happened. They seemed to be genuinely happy for their band mate who was taking a very serious step in his life by registering his relationship with another man.

      Eicca stared at Perttu completely perplexed. Perttu obviously hadn’t told him anything about his decision. I kicked Eicca under the table. “C’mon, do something!” I hissed behind my teeth. He was probably thinking about the future of his band, but this was not the time for that. Then it occurred to me: Was he jealous? He had his wife and me. Did he want to have Perttu as well? I pushed the thought quickly aside. He wasn’t like that.

      Finally Eicca stood up, stepped over to Kaoru and Perttu and hugged them both. Kaoru had taken his most valuable asset in Apocalyptica and he’d have to settle for that.

      Anna brought a bottle of champagne and glasses to the table. She filled the glasses and Eicca proposed a toast to the engaged couple. “Kaoru, kiss your fiancée”, Paavo shouted and Kaoru did. That was the most passionate kiss I had seen for a while. I glanced at Eicca and he smiled at me. I guessed what he was thinking. He took my hand on the table and squeezed it gently. He was waiting for our night.

      When we had finally finished the main course we all stood up and cleared the table for the dessert. The bilberry pie was still baking in the oven and we had time to play something. Kaoru and Die took the guitars and sat on the chairs in the middle of the living room. They played first the acoustic version of _Ruten no tou_.  Kyo joined them with his magic voice that was soft, gentle and strong at the same time.  I could see how proud also Perttu was of his mate. I envied him; he had a future with Kaoru. Then I started to watch Die who concentrated with closed eyes on his playing. He was my best friend and trustee and I loved his beautiful smile. Suddenly he raised his face and gazed me straight in the eye. His eyes were intense and dark. That was not friendship I saw there, that was something more.

      After _Ruten no tou_ Die and Kaoru played the new song Kaoru and Perttu had composed just a day ago. Finally also Perttu joined them with his cello. They played the acoustic version of _Conceived sorrow_ with Perttu replacing the strings with his instrument. This was something unheard of and so beautiful that most of the audience was crying when they finally finished the song.

      A delicious smell of bilberry pie filled the room when Anna opened the oven and left the pie to cool down on the tabletop. Mikko had prepared coffee and laid the table for the dessert. “This has been again a night of surprises”, Anna started her speech at the coffee table, smiling at Kaoru and Perttu. "I would like to thank Dir En Grey and Apocalyptica that you could come here in the middle of your touring and album making. I hope you’ve enjoyed your holiday here and gathered strength to continue your work to conquer the world with your music. I wish you all success and happiness. You deserve that.” Our team applauded at Anna and cheered at her.

      The warm bilberry pie with cold vanilla sauce was just about the most delicious dessert one could imagine. The whole pie vanished into our hungry mouths in no time. “Tomorrow we have our bus journey back to Helsinki. We start at nine o’clock so please try to be on time”, Anna announced and glanced at Die. He flashed her his brilliant smile and saluted her with his glass of water.  “And please check your watches, we have today transferred to daylight saving hours.”

      “Maybe we should call it a night”, I proposed after we had helped Anna and Paavo with the dishes and sat a while relaxing on the sofa. Die’s dark eyes followed me when I stood up and climbed upstairs following Eicca to our room. I was probably hurting him right now, but I couldn’t help it. I had my goodbyes to say to Eicca.


	29. The first and the last time

## The first and the last time (29)

      We were standing in the middle of the floor of our room. Eicca’s hands caressed me from my neck to my shoulders and down to my arms in a slow gentle movement. I had my hands on his waist and rested my forehead on his shoulder. He was so much sturdier and stronger than I was, a man in all the meanings of the word.

      The passion had been building up during the evening filling every pore of our bodies and waiting to explode once we were alone, in private. My breathing accelerated when his hands slid down my sides to my behind. “Are you ready?”, I asked knowing that normally it would be him asking that question.

      “Yes I’m ready, but please be gentle with me. I’m a virgin”, he whispered and started to undress me.  In a second our clothes were lying on the floor. I could feel his erection against my hip. I couldn’t help imagining him with his beautiful wife last night. I was jealous.

      ”Let’s go to bed, it’s easier there”, I proposed. I made him lie down on the bed on his belly.  “You’re mine now and I’m going to fuck you”, I whispered in his ear to turn him on. I inserted a pillow under him and spread his legs watching his reactions. I made him wait while I put a condom on me and spread lube on my hard dick. I could see his was afraid and excited at the same time. The muscles of his buttocks twitched slightly when I spread the cool lube on him.

     “Please relax now”, I told him when I was ready and started pushing myself into him. It wasn’t easy. He was tight and nervous. I laid on top on his back for a while kissing his neck and shoulders and then tried again. Suddenly I was inside him. I heard his breathing hitch when I penetrated him deeper. “Are you okay?” I asked when I was completely inside him. All I could get as an answer was a long groan. He grabbed the bed with his hands and pushed his body against mine. I started moving inside him first carefully and then harder when my lust won over my control.  His long hair spread on the bed and his muscles vibrated when he was trying to control his own passion. This tall, blond man was mine in a way his wife could never have him. This was my last thought before I exploded inside him losing my senses completely.

      I rested on his back still inside him for a while and listened to his strong heartbeat. It didn’t slow down as mine did. He was still turned on and waited for a relief. I withdrew myself from him and turned him on his side to crawl into his arms.

     “Do you want me to suck you?” I asked caressing his cheek. He gazed me in eye. He was fighting against his tears but couldn’t help it.

     “Yes, please”, he replied finally and closed his eyes as the tears brimmed over to his cheeks. I crawled down to his hard dick and used my lips and tongue to give him the ultimate pleasure a man can get. I took my time enjoying every movement and sound he made when he approached the top.  He grabbed my head in his hands and exploded into my mouth his back arching of ecstasy.

     “You’re a wonderful lover”, he panted when I was back in his arms again.

     “Was it worth trying?”  I asked, knowing that the first time always wasn’t the best.

      “Yeah, it was different from what I expected, somehow weird. I loved the thought of you inside me the same way I enjoyed being inside you.”

     “Did you do that with Kyo, too?" he asked catching me off my guard.

      “Yes, I did. He taught me all there is to know about it… How do you know about our relationship?” I asked because I hadn’t told him anything about it.

     “Anna told me about it already in Tokyo. I asked her to talk with you about my marriage and all that before I left. I was already then worried about you. I should have known better when I gave you the ring.”

      “Please don’t blame yourself. I was convinced I could handle the pain and longing that came with accepting the ring. I was wrong. That’s all there is to it.”

      His soft lips interrupted my painful memories and returned me to this moment. We climbed out of the bed to take a quick shower and wash our teeth. Then we returned to our crumpled bed to enjoy each other as long as we had the time.


	30. Sprained ankle

# Shinya

 

## Sprained ankle (30)

      I was happy when I woke up on Friday morning in Die’s arms. I was thankful that he had helped me to get rid of my virginity, I loved his dick and bad jokes and he was my best friend. What else could I ask for? I expected he would be nervous about his skiing lessons with Anna this morning, but he was happy and relaxed. I wondered what had changed his mind.

       I tried to ask how he felt when we were getting dressed for our outdoor activities, but he ignored my concerns and told me that he was fine and trusted Anna’s skills as a teacher. Anyways I wished him good luck; I didn’t want him to break his neck with anything, not even skis.

      I participated in the showshoe safari with my band mates. I walked most of the way together with Paavo who was suitable company for me. He was good at telling stories and I was good at listening. This time he told me how he spent his summers at his summer cottage doing things like fishing, wandering in the forests, and heating his sauna. He had a smoke sauna similar to the one we were going to visit tonight. He explained how it was heated and why the bathing in there felt especially good. I just wondered how you could clean yourself in a place that was all sooty. I’d find it out tonight.

       We had just visited the feeding post for wild animals and were heading back to the resort when I stepped accidentally on decaying tree stump that cracked under my weight and I fell over twisting my ankle. It didn’t hurt at first so I didn’t tell anybody about it and walked all the way back to the village. When we were returning our snowshoes to the rental company I just couldn’t step on my foot anymore. Paavo noticed my painful grimace and asked what was wrong. I explained him what had happened. He made me sit on bench and tested carefully my ankle and compared the two feet.

     “It’s probably sprained and already slightly swollen. You shouldn’t walk with that foot anymore."

     “But we have to walk back to the villa”, I whined horrified about the thought of stepping on my foot.

      “You’re so light that I can carry you on my back. It’s not so long way to our house”, he comforted me.  Paavo was a strong guy so I accepted his offer. Tochi thought it was hilarious when I was sitting in Paavo’s back. He giggled and took several pictures with his iPhone. I think Kyo participated also in documenting my misfortune.

      At the villa Paavo carried me upstairs to my room. When Die returned, Paavo asked him to help me to shower and change my clothes. He would bandage my ankle after that.  He clearly knew what he was doing; he had learned his medical skills in the army. When he returned he had painkiller gel and bandages with him to treat my ankle. When he was done I asked him to carry me downstairs. I wasn’t going to sit alone in my room. I was unhappy because I probably couldn’t participate in our smoke sauna evening.

      Paavo volunteered to stay with me and prepared us delicious omelets while the rest of our team headed for a late lunch.   Die who had a nasty looking bump on his forehead kept us company with Anna. Our villa was starting to resemble a field hospital. I just hoped that we wouldn’t have any more accidents.  Die was looking radiant in spite of his bump. He had color on his cheeks and a happy smile on his face.  I wondered if I should also try skiing if it had such positive effects.


	31. Evening at smoke sauna

## Evening at smoke sauna (31)

      I was moping at the corner of the living room sofa watching TV while everyone else was preparing for the evening at smoke sauna. I think they assumed I didn’t want to participate. Die noticed my bad mood and sat on the sofa with me. “Would you like to come with us? Maybe we can figure out a way to transport you there.” Paavo, who happened to sit close by, probably heard his words because he stood up and vanished out of the door. After couple of minutes he returned and announced that he had found a transport for me.  He had with him a red plastic sled intended for kids.

     “You don’t expect me to sit in THAT?” I huffed. “I’m not a kid. I will look ridiculous!”

      “C’mon, nobody knows you, and besides, you’re so small that you’d do fine for a kid”, Die comforted me in his usual lovely manner. Grrrr…..

       “Okay, but no cameras allowed then”, I consented, swallowing my pride because I didn’t want to be left behind. “This applies especially to your iPhone”, I pointed at Tochi who enjoyed taking pictures of all my little mishaps. Tochi grinned at me but didn’t promise me anything.

      The walk down to the lake progressed very smoothly using the sled. I had blankets around and under me to protect my precious ass from freezing. Tochi insisted that he’d pull the sled but gave up when we came to a steep uphill slope leading to the lake. We cleared the slope when Paavo pulled and Tochi pushed at my back.  Everybody seemed to have great fun. At the top of the slope Paavo decided that he’d carry me because the slope down was too steep. Of course Die and Tochi wanted to test the sled by sliding downhill together. There was a lot of screaming and giggling when they travelled the slope at a seemingly uncontrolled speed and direction. Luckily they didn’t bump into anything this time.

       The sauna was located quite close to the waterfront with a pier extending to the lake. The lake was now of course frozen so we’d have to settle for a large heated bathtub located close to the sauna. The tub was covered to save energy but the heating was on. In addition to the sauna building there was a house that had the dressing rooms and a large living room with a kitchen to have parties. We headed our way there. The living room was cosy, there was a fire burning in the fire place and refreshments and snacks waiting on the table.

      The sauna was quite small so we decided to take turns in bathing. Our couples Kaoru & Perttu and Eicca & Tochi took the first turn. I joined Paavo, Mikko, Kyo and Die on the second round. I was relieved when they returned looking relatively clean. Tochi had a soot stripe on his forehead but I thought Eicca had made it on purpose to protect him from devious sauna spirits.

      I removed my bandages in the dressing room and put on a bathrobe. My ankle felt slightly better but I couldn’t use my foot yet. “Don’t try to step on it”, Paavo warned me. “I can carry you.”  He really must like carrying me, I wondered when I climbed again in his back. Die and Kyo followed sneering at us. Die was probably happy about our arrangement. He had Kyo for himself for a while as Anna didn’t join us in sauna. I could see the same warm look in his eyes he always had with Kyo. It wasn’t easy to forget the love he had for Kyo.

      The sauna was dark and hot as I had expected but the hot bathtub out in the open was a pleasant surprise. It was getting dark when we climbed into the tub. We could see the stars twinkling above our heads and steam circling around us like magic. The evening was quite mild so freezing of hair wasn’t a problem. We were just telling jokes about space and aliens when Anna came by in her bathrobe carrying cans of beer with her. “Can I join you?” she asked and removed her bathrobe. She had a swimming suit on her. We welcomed her even though the rest of us were naked. She didn’t mind but climbed in and sighed of satisfaction when she sank into the hot water with us. I was embarrassed at first but forgot soon the whole thing. She didn’t seem to be interested in anything else but Kyo.

       After finishing our beers we climbed out of the tub and headed for the house. Paavo carried me there but returned then to cover the tub and check the condition of the sauna after us. When he returned he bandaged my ankle again and added some painkiller gel. “You should be good by tomorrow”, he estimated, looking at my ankle and checking it carefully. It wasn’t swollen anymore.

      The evening was already dark by now. We gathered around the fire place and roasted sausages on sticks. We had potato salad and beer to go with the sausages. According to Paavo that was typical Finnish sauna food.  I was satisfied that I had joined my mates instead of sitting at the villa alone watching TV. Traveling there in a red plastic sled was a small price to pay. Besides on the way back it would be so dark that no-one would notice.


	32. Night games

## Night games (32)

      Paavo was right about my ankle. After a good night’s sleep it felt okay. I could step on it if I was careful. So I walked over to the skiing competition. I wouldn’t miss it for anything. I was convinced that Tochi would beat Die and I’d have to cheer him up after that. Besides I wanted to show my support to Paavo, who was competing with Mikko. Paavo was an experienced downhill skier, but I wasn’t sure about his cross-country skills.

     Our dinner on Saturday night was interrupted by Eicca’s wife, who turned uninvited in our villa. I felt sorry for Tochi, who had to face her without any warning. Luckily Die managed to hide Tochi in his room out of her way.  Kaoru proposed that I’d sleep in Tochi’s bed when Eicca had left and Tochi was sleeping in Die’s room.

       I felt depressed and my ankle was hurting again after all the walking I had done that day. Paavo frowned when he saw me rubbing my foot. “Is it hurting again?”

      “Just a little. I could probably use some painkiller and a bandage again”, I admitted.

      “I can come and bind it again before you go to sleep”, Paavo proposed.

       “I’ll just shower and change for the night. Can you come in half an hour?“

       I had just crawled into my bed and was reading some music magazines Tochi had on his night table when I heard a quiet knock on my door. “Please come in, the door is not locked”, I shouted from my bed not wanting to get up anymore. Paavo opened the door and peeked in carefully. Maybe he was worried that he’d surprise me somehow. “I’m in the bed already, just come over here.” Paavo stepped in and sat down on my bed carrying his first aid kit.

      “Is it still hurting?” he asked and took my foot in his lap to study it closer. “I will test it a bit. Just say if it hurts too much.” He started to twist my ankle slowly into different positions. There was one position where I felt a sharp pain and twitched slightly. “Ok, I will bind it again. And no long walks tomorrow. These are doctor’s orders!  I think you should skip the husky sleigh ride tomorrow.” 

      “That’s a pity. Maybe we could figure out something less risky instead?” I teased him and blinked my brown eyes at him. The man blushed, really….

      My ankle felt immediately better when it was properly supported and the pain killer was starting to take effect. I didn’t want him to leave. “Can you stay for a while?” I asked covering my bad leg under the duvet.

      “Sure, what do you want to do?” he asked.

      “Can we play cards?”

      “I will go and get the cards from my room”, he promised and hurried out of the door.    

       After a while he returned with a deck of cards, a bottle of red wine and two glasses. “No cheating this time”, he laughed when we started our game. He remembered my card tricks all too well.

      I was rather tipsy when we had played several rounds of cards and emptied most of the bottle. He lost again the game and looked a bit sour. I wanted to make amends somehow. “Can I kiss you?” I asked and gazed him in the eye.

      “Are you sure?” he asked watching me with intense eyes.

      “Sure I’m sure! It’s only a kiss, nothing more”, I encouraged him feeling the familiar tension growing in my body. This was not an innocent game anymore. I really wanted to kiss him. I leaned close to him and took his face in my hands and kissed him with my soft lips as gently as I could. He blinked his eyes looking confused. I guessed he hadn’t kissed a man before.

      “I think you should go to sleep before we do anything stupid and regret it tomorrow”, he said and caressed my cheek with his hand. A surge of disappointment filled my eyes with tears.

      “If that’s what you want”, I whispered and stared at my hands. He raised my chin with his finger and kissed my lips as gently as I had done a while ago.

      “Yeah, it better that way”, he said and stood up to leave. “Good night.”

      After he had closed the door behind him I burst into tears crying my shame and disappointment. He didn’t want me. I was too turned on to sleep so I jerked myself off to relieve the tension.  Maybe he’ll accept me later, I thought positively and closed my eyes drifting into sleep.


	33. Misunderstanding corrected

## Misunderstanding corrected (33)

      I woke up early on Sunday morning. It wasn’t nice to sleep alone.  I got dressed and stalked downstairs to see if there was anybody there. Anna was also an early bird.  She was making coffee and boiling eggs for our breakfast.  “Good morning. How’s your ankle?” she asked.

      “It’s fine, but Paavo forbade me to take part in the husky sleigh ride today.”

       “Perhaps that’s wise”, Anna admitted. “I won’t participate either. Maybe we could do something together”, she proposed. “Would you like to help me with the lyrics for Perttu’s new song? Kyo has written the Japanese lyrics and I should make the English translation, but I’m not sure what he meant in a couple of verses.”

      “That would be nice”, I replied eager to bring my own contribution to this new song.

       Anna told me that Eicca would return at eleven o’clock. Sadness overwhelmed my mind when I remembered Tochi’s suffering last night. Die told us that he had been in a shock and cried for several hours. I had also cried last night. There were now two of us who had been rejected.

       Anna climbed upstairs to ask if Die and Tochi would join us for breakfast. While she was away, Kaoru and Perttu came down looking like they had just made love. Their eyes were bright and skins glowing. Something was definitely cooking here.

      Tochi’s eyes looked awful when he joined us with Die but otherwise he seemed to be very determined and was in good mood now.  When Kyo, Paavo and Mikko joined us, our small team was again assembled at the living room table. Only Eicca was missing.

      I avoided looking at Paavo.  I was ashamed and hurt by his rejection. When he came to ask how my ankle was, I just said it was fine and escaped to my room to hide from him. Die followed me a bit later. He had promised to go skiing with Tochi and came to change clothes. “What’s wrong?” he asked when he saw my teary eyes.

      “I kissed Paavo last night but he didn’t want me”, I sobbed and sought for solace in Dies arms. He held me in silence for a while.

      “Maybe he needs more time to get used to the idea. You should talk with him about it, not just hide here crying.”

      “I know that, but I was so ashamed of myself.”

      “You don’t need to be ashamed. You’re a lovely person, warm, kind and beautiful”, Die comforted me.  I needed somebody to tell me that.

      So I wiped my tears, collected my courage and returned downstairs to look for Paavo. He was sitting in the living room sofa reading a Finnish newspaper. He smiled at me but frowned when he saw my eyes. “What’s wrong? Have you been crying? Was it something I said yesterday night?”

      “I’m sorry. I just felt like I was a bad person when I kissed you and you didn’t want me. Your rejection hurt me”, I confessed and tears started again flowing down my cheeks. “You misunderstood, I did want you, but I thought you had drunk a little too much and might regret later. It’s better to do things like that when you’re sober.”

      “Come here and sit with me”, he asked and reached out for me.  He made me sit in his lap and took my hand. “You’re something I’ve always dreamed of but thought I’d never find until I met you. It’s been difficult for me to accept my feelings for you. I’m not supposed to fall in love with a guy. I’ve been staring at your pictures my eyes sore. Eicca and Perttu keep joking about my obsession for you. I guess they haven’t told you anything?

      His confession took me completely by surprise. I was such an idiot. I had always enjoyed his company but it never occurred to me that he might love me. “No, they have kept your secret”, I smiled relieved that our misunderstanding was now cleared. “I’m sober now and Die is away skiing…”

      We climbed upstairs and locked the door, just to make sure we weren’t disturbed. “I don’t know anything about making love to a man”, he confessed. “In the films I’ve seen it looks dirty and disgusting.”

     “It’s neither”, I assured him. “Just think what feels good and do that. I will show you.”

      “Would you like to undress me now?” I asked and stood in front of him waiting.

       “I’ve dreamt of this at least a thousand times”, he whispered and started to unbutton my shirt slowly and carefully his hands trembling slightly.

      “Just relax and enjoy this. I won’t run away.”

       He dropped my shirt on the floor and slid his hand on my chest. His fingers drifted on my collar bones, found my nipples and ended down on my waist. “You’re like a Greek statue, beautiful… Finally he collected his courage and unzipped the fly of my jeans. He still wasn’t sure I wanted him to do that. I stepped closer so that he could take my jeans down. I wasn’t ashamed of my erection when I stood naked in front of him. He smiled and touched carefully my dick, sliding his hand down my stem and back up again.

       “Can I take your clothes off now?” I asked as he was still fully dressed.

       “Maybe that would make things easier”, he mused and continued caressing my dick. I stripped off his black T-shirt revealing his sturdy chest covered with hair. I run my fingers through it wondering how different two people can be. He was at least as ready as I was when I had ridded him of his jeans. I lead him to the bed and made him lie on his back. I crawled on top of him and started kissing him as gently as yesterday. This time he responded and his hands wandered on my back and behind. “You feel so good”, he sighed between our kisses and squeezed my body against his.

       “Can I suck you?” I asked him knowing that it was the thing I knew best and he probably enjoyed too.

      “If you want to”, he panted. I left his lips and crawled down to meet his dick. He was so sensitized that he almost jumped on the bed when I took his dick in my mouth and licked its head. I knew he wouldn’t last long. “Oh shit”, he swore and exploded into my mouth.“I’m sorry that I was so fast”, he apologized when I returned to kiss his lips. “Is it my turn now?” he asked sounding eager to test his skills on me.

     “Have you dreamt about sucking me?” I asked because I wanted him to kiss me a bit longer.

      “Yes, all the time. I’ve been jerking myself off almost every night imagining what I could do to your lovely body.” His lips felt gentle on my skin. He knew instinctively what I needed; after all he was a man like me. It took longer for me to explode but it was fierce when it happened. I bit my hand not to scream out loud when I finally shot my load into his mouth.

      The time was running out so we rested only a short while and showered after that. We had just put our clothes back on when we heard Die’s voice in the corridor. I opened the locked door for him. He grinned at me when he saw that Paavo was with me. The bed was all messed up and our cheeks glowed of excitement. He put quickly two and two together and flashed me one of his film star smiles. “How was your skiing? No accidents this time?” I asked.

      “Very relaxing after all that happened yesterday evening”, he replied meaning it. “Tochi seemed to enjoy it too.”

      “We’ll go downstairs for a while”, I said and dragged Paavo out of the room.


	34. Worrying

# Kyo

 

##  Worrying (34)

      What if something happened to Anna? If she was killed in an accident or something, I would lose three people instead of one.  And what if Anna couldn’t summon Vinushka back here when she wanted. What was happening in her world where she was someone else, not Anna?

      Then there was the question of where we should live. My life was in Japan and Anna’s here in Finland.  Could I persuade her to move to Japan? I needed her as long as Vinushka was here only as a visitor. If I could bring her completely to this world… But she wouldn’t know me, I would a complete stranger to her. Besides, I loved Anna in her.

      I was lying awake in the middle of the night my head full of questions. This was too complicated. I wasn’t getting anywhere with my speculations. I finally decided that the most important things were that the baby would be born here and that Anna and Vinushka were safe. So, instead of worrying, I concentrated on remembering how we had made love on our last night in Tokyo, the night when the baby was conceived, and drifted finally to sleep.

\----

      I woke in the morning when Anna was caressing my dick with her warm hand. “I want my breakfast”, she mumbled sounding still sleepy.  I tried to wake up properly and peeked at the night table. She normally had there some fruit and water, which she ate in bed to avoid morning sickness. The table was empty now.

      “What do you want?” I asked preparing to get up and fetch something for her from downstairs.

      “I want a big sausage and two eggs”, she sneered and squeezed my dick making it clear what she wanted.

      “Oh, _that_ kind of breakfast”, I mused thinking my brain was slow this morning. “How do you want them served?” I asked to play the game with her. She crawled lower down on the bed and stacked some pillows under her head.

      “Get on top of me on your hands and knees”, she ordered me.

      “Do you want me to bark too when I fuck your mouth?” I asked and felt lust filling my brain in a hot surge. The mere thought of her sucking my dick in that position made me half mad.

      “No, but you could wag your tail, if you had one”, she sneered and sank my dick into her lovely mouth teasing the head with her lips.

      “Hmmm, this is tasty” she whispered and concentrated on making me come. I did that quite fast because she knew just the right things for that and I was so turned on by her little playact.

      “You’re an impossible woman”, I panted when I could speak again after shooting her mouth full of my sperm.

      “Maybe the milk was a little too warm”, she frowned after swallowing it down.

      My knees and hands were trembling when I lied down beside her and held her body against mine. “I love you”, I whispered feeling again the sharp fear of something bad happening to her. ”Where did you get this idea?” I asked to push the fear aside.

      “The thought came into my mind when we were sitting in the bathtub last night. I just couldn’t wait to make it happen…”

      “Should we go downstairs and grab something to eat before you start feeling sick?” I asked worrying again about her wellbeing.

     “I can manage”, she promised and climbed out of the bed.

      “So you’re going have skiing lessons today with Tochi?” I asked to make sure she hadn’t changed her plans.

      “Yes, I’m going to teach him the basics and then take a short round in the forest to practice for the competition. “The weather seems again very nice”, she enthused peeking out of the window. The sun was shining on a clear blue sky and it was -5C˚. During the day the temperature would probably climb well above zero.

      “I will visit Sotkamo with Kaoru, Perttu and Eicca. I would like to find a picture book about Finnish wild life.”

      “I will give you a shopping list for the evening. I was planning we could spend this evening here at the villa and relax. You can ask Eicca to take care of the shopping.”

      I hugged her and kissed her forehead. “Please be careful in the forests. I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

      “You sound like a mother hen. I’m not made of glass and besides the baby likes exercise”, she dismissed my concerns and started to dress for the breakfast.


	35. Poems about pain

## Poems about pain (35)

      I was positively surprised when I saw Die and Tochi in the skiing competition. Die was like a different man now. He had color on his cheeks and he was definitely happy. Tochi surprised me by winning the competition. For the last few days he had been eating properly and seemed to enjoy his life. I could only guess was it due to Eicca or Die or both of them. I was thankful to Anna; she had done a great job in keeping Die’s spirits up. I still had a bad conscience about neglecting his feelings.

       I found Kaoru and Perttu playing downstairs when I went to pick up some orange juice from the kitchen.  What they played sounded extremely good so I joined them by singing along. Kaoru took music and business very seriously but this time Perttu was getting all his attention. The man was deeply in love. I promised to write the lyrics for their new song as soon as it was completed. I wanted to describe the love I saw developing in front of my eyes, the love that wasn’t going to be accepted by everyone.

      The sudden arrival of Eicca’s wife during our dinner made my skin crawl. I still remembered the shock that Tochi’s decision to end our relationship had caused in my mind and body.  Now it seemed that Tochi was facing the same ordeal. I could see that in his empty eyes; he had closed the world outside to protect himself from the pain.  I was too absorbed in my own painful memories to react quickly, but luckily Die was there to help him.

      Anna grabbed my hand and gave me a worried look when she saw how helpless Tochi was when Die dragged him to his room. I wanted to run after them to offer my help; I still loved Tochi and didn’t want him to suffer. I gave up the idea remembering again my priorities. Die would take care of this.

       When Eicca had left to follow his wife, I tried to write the lyrics for Perttu’s new song, but I couldn’t. Instead I ended up writing three poems about being rejected. I poured into them all the pain I had felt when lying on Die’s bedroom floor paralyzed and at my wits end and all the guilt that welled inside me when I understood that I had done the same thing to Die without even noticing it.

      I retired early with Anna, but Kaoru and Perttu stayed up wanting to wait the news from Die and Tochi. I showed my poems to Anna, but that turned out to be a mistake because she started crying when she read them.  “I’m so sorry that you had to leave Die for me and the baby”, she sobbed.

      “Please don’t cry. I love you and the baby and Die‘s doing fine at the moment”, I comforted her. “I think he and Tochi are becoming more than just friends. Tochi needs him now.”

      I held Anna in my arms until she fell asleep and started then to think about the lyrics I had wanted to write. I felt better after having poured my pain on paper and there was again room for happier feelings. I knew what I was going to write…


	36. Practical things

## Practical things (36)

       On Sunday morning I woke up late; my nightly lyrics session had kept me awake to almost two o’clock. But I had managed to produce on paper what I wanted to say. The bed beside me was empty. I guessed that Vinushka was already up having breakfast. When I finally stalked downstairs I found her, Shinya, Kaoru, Perttu, Die and Tochi chatting at the breakfast table. I was relieved that Tochi seemed to be okay again. Only his swollen and reddish eyes revealed the ordeal last night.

      I wanted to visit Anna in the hotel to discuss the practical arrangements related to our baby’s birth but I wasn’t sure she wanted to see me without a warning. So I decided to call her first. She sounded a bit surprised about my call but agreed to meet me at ten o’clock. I told Vinushka I was going to meet Anna although I knew she knew already. I had started to treat them as two separate persons although I knew they had the same consciousness.  A funny thought occurred to my mind: Could Vinushka consider that I betrayed her when I made love with Anna?

       When I was entering Anna’s hotel room I saw Perttu leaving the room next door. Obviously Eicca and his wife were staying there. Perttu gave me a surprised look, greeted me but didn’t say anything more. “You have Eicca and his wife as your neighbors”, I told Anna after I had hugged her and sat down on her guest chair.

       “It was hard not to hear it last night”, she commented and shook her head.

       “What brings you here”, she asked changing the subject. She clearly didn’t want to tell more of what happened here.

      “I’ve been thinking hard how we should arrange our lives when the baby is born. I need your advice to plan our future.”

      Anna sat down on her bed and started to explain her views about our future. “First of all I think the baby should be born here. You should decide if you want to marry Vinushka or not. Here in Finland the baby gets full rights as your child if you acknowledge her/him, you don’t have to marry for that reason. Then you should decide where you want to live. I think you should consider also your band mates in this decision. It looks like they’ll have ties to Finland just like you. Maybe you all could live here part of the time. I’m considering taking a leave of absence from my work starting next summer. I could also consider living in two places for some time if it helps you.”

      “You certainly have thought things through already”, I admired her clear thinking.

       “None of this would have happened if I hadn’t started messing with this spirit travelling thing. This is all my fault and I think it’s my duty to find solutions to the problems I have caused.”

      “Yeah, and it’s all your fault that I’m going to be a father, which is the greatest thing in world for me”, I smiled and grabbed her in my arms. She flinched again at my touch. “Sorry, I’m just so excited about all of this”, I apologized my sudden intrusion of her private space.

      “You don’t understand…”, she whispered lowering her eyes. “I want you so badly it makes me sick. And then you’re suddenly here in front of me. I’m not used to being close to you as me, Anna. I’m scared of my feelings. I shouldn’t be jealous of Vinushka but I am.”

       “Please don’t be scared of me. I thought you enjoyed making love with me the last time we met.”

        “That’s the problem. I enjoyed it too much. I tried to convince myself that it was the first and the last time you made love to me. Then I realized I wanted more and it almost killed me to think you’re leaving soon.”

       “Don’t worry, we’ll figure out a way to make you happy too. Would you like me to stay with you for a while? I think Vinushka is working with Shinya and I’m not going to participate in the husky sleigh ride this afternoon. We could take a walk outside and then have lunch together. I’d like you to tell me more about you and your life here.”

      “Sounds great”, she smiled and rushed to grab her coat.

      The weather was again excellent so we took a long walk around the skiing resort and talked about our lives and dreams. Her technology expertise and executive position came as a complete surprise to me. In Japan that was very rare. “Should I call you Anna-sama?”, I teased her.

      “Please don’t, it makes me feel awkward”. I held her hand as we walked back to the hotel. I wanted her to get used to my touch.

      “I’ve been wondering how long you can split your mind between Anna and Vinushka. Can Vinushka be in Tokyo and you here without problems?”

      “I think I can be in two bodies for about one week, but not more. After that I start to get too tired. But it doesn’t matter where Vinushka is. She can very well be in Tokio.”

      After our walk we headed to the hotel restaurant to grab some lunch. I could see she was starting to relax in my company. She told me about her business visits in Japan and plans to visit there again.

     “Can you stay a bit longer?” she asked when we had finished our lunch and got up from the table. I think I knew what she had in mind but tried to keep my excitement in control. This time she grabbed my hand and led me upstairs to her room. “Would it be time for a nap?”, she asked a light blush spreading over her cheeks. I grabbed her in my arms and kissed her. Her fingers found their way under my shirt. In no time our clothes were gone and we were enjoying our naked bodies on the bed. She caressed every inch of my body with her lips and I sank my dick into her enjoying her wet heat. We were both so intoxicated by our lust that probably the room could have crumbled around us and we wouldn’t have noticed it. The room was filled with heavy breathing and groaning interrupted by crazy words in Finnish and Japanese. We were lying on the bed exhausted, sweaty and oozing with body juices when we heard the door being closed next door. “Oh shit, I didn’t remember they were there. Did we make much noise?” Anna mumbled her head resting on my chest.

      “Does it matter? I asked but remembered then Perttu, who had seen me enter this room. How would I explain my presence here?


	37. Pain relief

# Die

 

## Pain relief (37)

      I enjoyed playing with Kaoru and Perttu after our dinner on Sunday night. Especially our version of _Conceived sorrow_ was a great experience for me. I could see Perttu was touched to the tears and so was our audience. I couldn’t help remembering last night’s events; Tochi’s deep sorrow about his hopeless love for Eicca. I raised my eyes to see how he was doing now, after telling about his decision to Eicca. To my surprise he was watching at me with a gentle look in his eyes. I gazed into his eyes and swore to myself I would never ever let him down if he chose to love me some day. Now he had too many things on his plate; I didn’t expect much attention from him.

     Kaoru’s announcement of his engagement with Perttu didn’t come as a surprise to me. It was so obvious that they were deeply in love. I just wondered how they could handle being so much apart. Tochi couldn’t, not even with my help. I didn’t have a chance to ask Tochi about his meeting with Eicca. I noticed that Eicca was now wearing Tochi’s ring and Tochi seemed actually quite happy sitting under his arm on the sofa. I tried to ignore the sting of jealousy I felt when watching them together. I really hoped that Tochi would keep his decision to let Eicca go.

      If I would have been clever I would have retired early that night but I wasn’t. Instead I stayed downstairs watching the two lovebirds sitting on the sofa cuddling each other. Finally Tochi rose up and said good night. His eyes flickered to mine when he climbed the stairs with Eicca following him. My heart thudded when I heard the door close behind them.  I wanted to scream so much that I almost punched my skin with my fingernails when I tried to control my pain. I didn’t deserve this after last night’s events.

      I felt numb and empty when I entered my room and headed for the shower. I wanted to wash away my pain. In the shower I let the hot water caress my skin. I even folded my own arms around my body to feel someone holding me and soothing my pain. Finally tears started pouring down my cheeks. I _must_ hold on these last few days before we’d return home and leave Eicca behind us. Tochi promised me, I kept reminding myself over and over again. He promised to end this god damn pain.

     I was already in my bed when Shinya entered the room very quietly, trying not to wake me up. He took a quick shower too and crawled into bed beside me. I still had difficulties to keep my tears in control and my ragged breathing gave me away. “Are you crying?” he asked and reached his hand to touch my wet cheek. “What’s wrong?”  He crawled nearer to get his arms around me - he was naked as usual.

      “I hate being second best all the time”, I sniffled and folded my arms around Shinya’s slender body.

     “To me you were the first and you’re my best friend”, he whispered reminding me that I had ridded him of his virginity last Thursday. I just had to smile at the thought; it had been wonderful to do that.

      “Can I kiss you?” he asked and gazed me with his gentle, brown eyes. His lips were full, soft and sensual. I had loved that part of him from the day I had met him.  Back then it was hard to tell if he was a he or a she, but it didn’t matter. He was lovely all the same.

      He took my face in his hands and kissed me gently. Something in my brain clicked and I grabbed him on top of my body and then rolled him under me. “I want you”, I whispered and kissed him harder than was necessary.

      “How do you want me”, he asked and rolled himself without difficulty from under me on top of me.

       “How did you do that?” I asked astonished by his strength and speed.

       “I’ve been practicing self-defence so be careful with me”, he snickered and kissed me again this time more passionately.

       “Face to face would be nice for a change. I like kissing you and watching you make funny faces when you come.”

      “I’ll show you funny faces”, he threatened me and slid on the bed beside me, grabbed a pillow under him and raised his legs on his chest. “There, help yourself, you naughty boy.”

      He was teasing me to make me want him more than I already did. I slid a condom on my dick and spread lube on his precious ass to ease the access. He tried hard to keep his face expressionless when I pushed my dick into him, but failed miserably. He groaned and grabbed my hair into his hands dragging my face down to his. “Please fuck me”, he panted and clung to my body with his legs. I did his bidding and fucked him until exhaustion.

\-----

      “How are you doing with Paavo?” I asked Shinya when we were lying in bed and trying to sleep after our passionate love making. I needed to distract myself from imagining Tochi and Eicca in bed.

      “We are fine. We talked today about his family, hobbies and all kinds of stuff. He’s not going to do anything drastic for our sake. We’re more like friends.”

      “That’s good. I can keep you to myself then”, I joked and ruffled his messy hair with my hand.

      “Don’t be so sure about that”, he snickered and turned his back on me to sleep.


	38. Happy birthday Toshiya

## Happy Birthday Toshiya (38)

      Next morning I was satisfied that I didn’t drink too much last night even if I had a good reason to do so.  Travelling on a bus with a gigantic headache wasn’t something I wanted to repeat. I stalked downstairs together with Shinya to grab some breakfast before packing our belongings and heading back to Helsinki.

      Tochi and Eicca joined the team just after us. Before Tochi had a chance to sit at the table, Anna started to sing him Happy Birthday and the rest of us joined in the congratulations. Anna gave him a warm hug and a small present that looked like a jewelry box. Tochi blushed slightly and looked at the package like it would bite him. “Please open it up”, Anna urged him.  It was a gold necklace with a pendant that actually was an unprocessed gold chip. “It’s from Lapland. You can find chips like that in the river beds there.” Anna helped Tochi to hang it around his beautiful neck. 

      “Thanks for remembering my birthday. I hope we can celebrate it at a dinner tonight”, he said modestly and sat down to have his breakfast.

\---

      “Can I sit with you for a while? I’d like to talk to you”, I asked Tochi when we were packing our luggage in the bus booth.

      “Sure, we can go to the back of the bus to have some privacy”, he said and gazed curiously at my face as I blushed.

      “I didn’t mean that” I said trying to hide my embarrassment.

      “I know, I was just teasing”, Tochi snickered.

      We climbed into the bus and found us seats quite far back so that the others couldn’t hear our discussion.

      “Spit it out!” Tochi urged me sounding very perky this morning.

      “First of all, happy birthday!” I said and dug from my pocket a gift I had bought in Australia before we travelled here. It was a tiny koala figurine in a wide leather wrist band.

      “Thanks Die, it’s so cute”, he purred and offered his hand for me to put it on.  Touching his skin sent an electric current humming through my body.

      “What did you decide about your future with Eicca? I finally asked when the silence started to feel too awkward.

      “I asked him to forget that I ever existed, but he said he couldn’t do that. He wears my ring now and doesn’t want to let me go. He’s a stubborn man.  And you were right about his wife. She didn’t force him to leave me.”

      “So where does that leave us?” I asked feeling a cold fear creep into my body.

      “I don’t know yet. All I know I can’t stand missing him. He must accept that I have a life in Japan; friends and maybe a lover and a family. I can’t spend the rest of my life waiting for him while he is busy living his life here in Finland.” I noticed how his eyes flickered at me when he mentioned the word lover…

      I collected all my courage and blurted him the truth: “I know somebody who would very much want to be your friend and a lover.” Tochi frowned at first but seemed to grasp then what I meant.

      “You’re my best friend and you’d like to be my lover. Is that it?”

      “Yes”, I admitted, glad that he had said it out loud, not me.

      “I’d love that. It’s so easy to be with you and I liked the way you kissed me”, he smirked. “Speaking of which”, he continued and peeked around us to see if anybody could see us. “You could do it again.”

      I didn’t believe my ears. He was asking me to kiss him! Maybe the guy was not in his right mind but what the hell… I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed gently his lips to test how he felt about me and my kiss. He responded my pushing his long fingers into my hair and devouring my mouth with his. The situation was rapidly getting out of control. His hands found the bare skin on my waist and started to climb up to caress my chest and nipples. If we didn’t stop now, we would make love here in front of our bandmates and Eicca.

     “I think we should wait for a more suitable time and place”, I whispered when he released my lips for a second to grab some air.

      “Sorry, I got carried away. Your kiss felt so good”, he panted and withdrew his hands from under my shirt.

      “Please don’t be angry with me”, I pleaded seeing that he was somehow offended. I took his hand in mine to feel again his energy flow in my body. “Are you free tonight? I mean will Eicca join us for dinner?”

      “No, he has to go home this evening. He’ll come tomorrow to the engagement party. I’m all yours tonight.”

      His words almost made my heart stand still. I closed my eyes and tried to convince myself that this was real, that he really was saying these things to me. I remembered vividly Tochi’s tears in his hotel room at Seattle when Eicca had left him after their first night and the hot lust that filled my body when I saw him kissing Kyo on our tour bus.  I also recalled the anger, almost hate I felt for him when he dumped Kyo at my birthday party and the disappointment when he fell again for Eicca in Tokyo. His pain and longing for Eicca made me almost mad. He suffered, I suffered but I couldn’t show it to him. Now he was telling me he wanted me to be his lover. What else could I ask for!

      Shinya’s familiar voice interrupted my thoughts. “Here you are! I thought we had forgotten you two at Vuokatti”, he sneered. “Eicca is looking for you”, he said to Tochi and turned then his eyes at me. “Will you join our card game?”

      I wasn’t especially good at playing cards and now I was even worse than normal. I was completely distracted by the thought of me and Tochi together this evening. I prayed nothing would change Eicca’s plans.

      It was late afternoon when we finally arrived at Helsinki. Our hotel was located in the middle of Helsinki center, close to the big department stores and railway station. Tuesday was reserved for shopping and sightseeing before the combined engagement and farewell party in the evening. Today we would celebrate Tochi’s 37th birthday at our dinner.

      Anna had reserved us five separate rooms so that we could entertain our guests without being disturbed. My room was beside Tochi’s which was very handy. Had Anna guessed our feelings? When Tochi was pushing his keycard into the electronic lock to open the door, I collected my courage and asked if we could take a shower together. He nodded, “Why not”.

      I dropped my things in my room and rushed out to follow Tochi into his room. He was standing in the middle of the room waiting for me his bags lying scattered on the floor. I walked directly into his waiting arms and kissed his sensual lips. My heart was beating frantically when he started to undress my shirt. “I waited the whole day to do this”, he whispered when he unzipped my fly and pushed his hands into my jeans on my bare behind. I stripped of his T-shirt and ridded him of his jeans. He looked gorgeous standing there naked with the golden pendant vibrating slightly in the rhythm of his strong heartbeat. I kissed the side of his neck and collarbones to feel his pulse under my lips.

      “Let’s go to the bathroom, its warmer there” I proposed when I saw him shiver in the cool room. He fumbled through his bag to find condoms and lube and dragged me by the hand to the warmth of the bathroom. “I want you to fuck me”, he breathed and handed the condoms to me.  I didn’t expect him to be so straightforward but obeyed his wishes. He turned the water running and leaned against the glass partitioning wall to give me access to his behind.

      “I’m doing it, I am finally doing it”, I repeated to myself when I pushed myself inside his beautiful, tight ass. He let out small whiny noises when I started to move inside him. The hot water gushed on our bodies washing away all rational thoughts. All I could feel was endless desire for him and his firm body.

     “It’s my turn in the bed”, he demanded when we were drying ourselves after the shower. He was still hard, waiting to have his way with me. He crawled into the bed beside me caressing my behind with his hands. “I love your ass. I’ve watched it so long on stage and backstage without any hope.” He turned me on my belly and climbed on top of my back. It was gorgeous to feel his warm skin against mine.  He kissed my nape and nipped my ear with his teeth. “What shall I do with you?”

      “Maybe you should fuck me and not just think about it”, I proposed and pushed my behind against his hard dick.

      “You talked me into it”, he sneered and spread my legs to push himself inside me. It was long since I had done this with Kyo and this time was definitely different. Tochi was taller than me and I felt somehow protected under him. He owned me more than anyone else before - he was my man. But when had our long legged, giggling beauty queen turned into a real man that was fucking my brain out right now?

      His almost violent final thrust and long groan after that interrupted my lusty thoughts. “I needed that”, he breathed and collapsed on top on my back. We both were sweaty again after our lovemaking so we headed into the shower and after that rested for a while before it was time to dress up for Tochi’s birthday party.


	39. Anna's disclosure

## Anna’s disclosure (39)

       The restaurant downstairs was only half populated when we entered and sat down at our table. I was wondering where Anna was – I assumed she would join us as she had made all the arrangements for the party. Kyo seemed to be nervous, he fidgeted with his watch and looked around him furtively. "Isn’t Anna coming?" I finally asked when we were browsing through the menus our waiter had brought us.

      Just when I asked my question Kyo stood up and walked over to a close by table where a redheaded, middle-aged woman had just sat down.  I thought the woman looked familiar and suddenly remembered seeing her at Vuokatti.  Kyo pointed at our table as if he was asking her to join us. The woman seemed to hesitate - her eyes flickered towards our table and she shook her head. Finally she stood up - she was much taller than Kyo, slender, wearing a light leather jacket, jeans and high heel boots. I almost dropped my eyes when Kyo took her hand and guided her to our table. “Please meet Anna Saurela or Vinushka as you know her.”

      A complete silence fell over our small party. Kyo offered her a chair and she sat down. “I think this needs some explanation”, she started to speak looking at each of us. “I am a woman with two bodies and one mind. Vinushka is my younger body and this is the original one – she pointed at herself. I know you because I’ve been with you as Vinushka.”

     “I saw you at Vuokatti”, I stated to say something rational.

      “Yes, I was there. I needed to talk with Kyo about Vinushka’s pregnancy and issues related to that.”

      “How long has Kyo known that you are two persons?” Kaoru asked.

      “I told him what I was at the Visual Kei party in January.  You found me crying in Die’s kitchen when I thought Kyo had dumped me because I was such a weirdo.

      “I remember. Kyo was shocked as he’d seen a ghost and I couldn’t understand what was wrong with him”, Kaoru replied looking puzzled.

      “How’s your bump doing?” she asked and smiled at me.

      “It’s already fine”, I replied knowing that she was trying to convince me that she had been there to teach me skiing.

      “How did he actually get the bump?” Tochi asked. “He never told us.”

      “He fell at the steep slope leading to the lake and I tried to help him up. I fell over him and hit my head on his forehead” she explained telling the story just as it was.

      The waiter interrupted our questioning wanting to take our orders. After doing that he stopped to ask instructions from Anna, “And the cake comes as a dessert?” Anna nodded her confirmation and waited for more questions.

      “Were you at Tokyo? I asked because I didn’t remember seeing her.

      “No, I was here in Helsinki and Vinushka was in Tokyo.”

       “When did you become Vinushka for the first time?”

        “That was in Seattle when I met Kyo. I think he forced me into being just her, Vinushka”

       “So _you_ were the woman that was sleeping in my bed”, I realized remembering how Kyo had dragged her away from my room.

       “Yes, I was in panic. I didn’t know how to handle being in somebody’s body at Seattle and at home at the same time. Sorry for that”, she admitted and lowered her eyes.

       “Vinushka is pregnant but you’re obviously not. How does that work?” Tochi asked her.

       “I don’t actually know, but that’s how it is.  I actually think that we have a problem there and you could help us with that.

       “I think that’s enough for the time being. We can always talk about this later. Now we should celebrate Tochi’s birthday”, Kyo said and raised his glass to congratulate our birthday boy.

        When it was time for the dessert, the lights of the whole restaurant were dimmed and the background music was replaced with Happy Birthday. Other customers applauded when they saw a cake with lit candles being carried to our table. Tochi stood up and bowed politely to our fellow guests.  After that it was time to wish and blow the candles. Tochi put his hand on his heart, closed his eyes and wished. I gazed at his beautiful face and hoped that his wish had something to do with me. Anna took pictures with her iPhone when Tochi was blowing the candles.

      As leader-sama Kaoru stood up and gave a short speech where he told how Tochi had been “kidnapped” to Dir En Grey. He made us laugh by telling about some crazy mishaps that had happened during our tours in various parts of the world. He probably wanted to share some of our background with Anna, who was now a sort of extended member of our band. After his speech Kaoru gave Tochi a present from our whole team. It was a wearable training computer, well suited for our kendo warrior.

     It was nice to see everybody smile after the shocking news about Anna/Vinushka.  I was intrigued by the thought of having a younger co-body. I was 39 and needed to work hard to keep my body fit and looks in order. The hard touring life with lots of travelling and late nights didn’t do me any good.

      When we had finished our dinner Tochi’s phone started ringing. He frowned when he looked at the number, stood up and walked to a close by empty table to take the call. I watched him look at his watch and finally nod in agreement. I was sure it was Eicca who had changed his mind about staying at home tonight. A bitter disappointment flooded my mind. He was again going to ruin my night with Tochi.

      “What was it?” I asked Tochi when we were on our way to our rooms.

      “Eicca’s wife wanted to see me tonight.”

      “That’s bad. Was she angry?” I asked feeling sorry for Tochi and relieved it wasn’t Eicca.

      “Not actually. I promised to meet her at eleven o’clock at a close by nightclub.”

       “I’ll be sleeping in my room. I can give you my room key, if you want to join me when you come back”, I proposed. I wanted to spend every possible moment with him, even when sleeping.

      “I don’t think it will take long”, he said gently and run his fingers on my cheek.

      I opened my room door and handed him the keycard. “Good luck and take care.”

      I think it was about one o’clock at night when I heard the door open and Tochi crawled beside me in bed. He didn’t want to wake me up, but folded his arm around me and sighed deeply before falling rapidly into sleep. He must have been exhausted after our long day. It would be interesting to hear in the morning what she had wanted from Tochi.


	40. The gift

# Toshiya

## The gift (40)    

      The nightclub was very dimly lit – it was difficult to distinguish people sitting at the tables with only small candles burning.  She took my hand and led us to the bar to buy us drinks. “Whisky or beer?” she asked and sat down on one of the wobbly looking bar stools.  “Whisky please”, I replied. I needed some quick encouragement, after all she was Eicca’s wife, very beautiful and I didn’t have a clue what she wanted from me. The place had live piano jazz which made it possible to talk about things. Maybe she had selected this place for our meeting just because of that.

      “Happy birthday!” she said and saluted me with her glass. I raised mine and took a generous sip to calm down my nerves. “I never thought I’d sit together with you in a nightclub”, she finally opened the discussion. “You’re taller than I expected and much more beautiful…” She gazed me straight in the eye over the rim of her glass her red hair glowing in the light of small overhead spotlight lamps.

    “You’re the one that is beautiful here” I blurted not knowing what she was aiming at.

     “Would you like to dance with me?” she asked after a long silence. The whisky gave me confidence I needed and I consented to her request.

      “I’m not much of a dancer”, I admitted but the slow jazz probably wasn’t too difficult even for me. She rested her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arms around my waist. I could feel her body close to mine as we were swaying to the slow rhythm of the jazz. Her hands started to drift on my back sending shivers of pleasure around my body.

      “Can I ask you something?” she suddenly interrupted the silence and raised her face to meet my eyes. “What made you fall in love with Eicca, when you met him at Seattle?”

     “He was so different from anyone else I’d ever met and so talented. Then there was this strong sexual attraction between us from the beginning. It’s hard to explain, but I wanted him more than anything else, I still do…”

     “Could you want me?” she suddenly asked gazing me with her intense yes.

     “Yes, I think I could….”, I answered trying to be careful with my promises.

      “There’s something I would like to ask from you, but this is not the right place for that. Could we go somewhere more private?”

     “My hotel is close by. We can talk in my room.” I proposed.

      We walked the short way to my hotel in silence. She held my hand but seemed to be absorbed in her thoughts. I tried to guess what she wanted from me, but I couldn’t figure out anything but leaving her husband alone and returning ASAP to Japan.

     “Can I offer you something?” I asked when we were sitting in my room a safe distance between us.

     “A juice would be nice”, she replied and gazed me with curious eyes.

      “What was it that you wanted to ask from me?” I finally broke the silence.

       She stepped in front of me and took my hands into hers. She raised her eyes to meet mine looking very solemn. “Please don’t leave him now. Please don’t take away his hope. He’s wearing your ring now and doesn’t want to give it up. You’ll break his heart…”

    “But I thought _you_ wanted me to leave him.” I was struggling to understand her message. 

    “At first yes, but now I think differently. I love him and I don’t want to make him unhappy. We all need him and he needs us, why deny that? But there’s one thing we could give him if you decided to leave him at some point.”

     “What is it?” I asked even more puzzled.

     “You and I could give him a child he wants with you.”

     I wasn’t sure I understood her correctly. “You want me to have a baby with you for Eicca?

     “Yes, tonight”, she answered sounding very confident.

      “Are you sure about this? It’s a very long term commitment for Eicca, you and me. Does he know you’re asking this of me?”

     “We talked about this in Vuokatti.  But I think he was planning to do it with some woman who wouldn’t be involved later at all. He didn’t ask me to do it. I have my own agenda here. I want to do it with you.“

     “He hasn’t told me anything about his wishes or plans.”

     “I think he’s too shy to ask especially now when he thinks that you’re leaving him.”

      This was very straight talk from her. I admired her guts – she’d probably do anything for her husband.

       I gazed into her eyes to see if there was any doubt there. I also studied my own feelings. Was I ready have my child being raised in my lover’s family? I probably wouldn’t have many chances to see the child even if I acknowledged him/her my own. Finally I made my decision. I wanted to be a father and give Eicca a child from me.

      “We can try now, but we may not succeed right away”, I consented.

       “I know that, but I love trying it”, she smiled and started to unbutton my black silk shirt. “You’re breathtaking”, she whispered and caressed my chest with her hands. “I haven’t seen this before. Is this your birthday present?” she asked touching my new gold pendant with her finger.

      “Yeah, I got it this morning as well as this” I replied and showed her my koala bracelet. I took her face into my hands and kissed her soft lips just to test how I felt about her. The strands of her red curls flowed through my fingers and tickled my cheek. I opened her blouse and removed her bra feeling her firm breasts under my palms. She was a truly lovely woman and so ready for me.

      Fucking to have fun is one thing but making love to make a baby is something completely different. I had not experienced that before but she had. It was like a time travel to some new universe filled with lust, love and desire. I drowned myself into her body and shot my sperm inside her wishing the little guys found their target. I wanted to be a father.


	41. An awkward request

## An awkward request (41)

       I woke up late on Tuesday morning in Die’s bed. I had been exhausted but happy when I crawled into bed beside him. I had a lover that would be there for me in Japan and with good luck I would be also a father to Eicca’s baby. When I opened my eyes I saw Die lying beside me gazing my face at a close distance.

      “Good morning beautiful”, he smiled and caressed my cheek with his fingertips. “Did she give you a hard time?” he asked assuming that Kirsi had tried to persuade me to leave her husband alone.

      “Yes she did, but not in way that you might expect.“

      ”Tell me!” he urged me more than curious now.

      “She wanted me to make a baby for Eicca with her.”

       “What? Are you serious?”

       “That’s what I thought at first, too, but after some consideration I thought it was a good idea and we did it.

       “You fucked his wife? Holy shit. Are you out of your mind? Eicca will kill you, if he finds out.”

       “I think that was originally his idea, but of course he doesn’t know what happened yesterday. She will tell him if she becomes pregnant.”

       “Are you ready to let them raise your kid?” Die wondered.

       “We could ask Vinushka to make a baby for us too”, Die suddenly proposed. First I thought he was joking, but then I realized he meant what he said.

       “She will have to have Kyo’s baby first”, I reminded him. “Don’t get carried away.”

      After the breakfast we headed shopping together. That was easy as we were practically surrounded my small fashion shops and boutiques that I loved. Die followed me although he wasn’t planning to buy anything. Maybe he just wanted to be with me.  Kaoru and Perttu had specifically forbidden us to buy them anything. They just wanted us to be there for them, to support them in their decision. Therefore Kyo had promised to write a poem for them and I was trying to figure out a melody telling about their love. It wouldn’t be completed before the party but at least I could tell them I had an idea we could develop later together.

       Our shopping tour took almost three hours. In between we had lunch in a small Mexican restaurant. My appetite was back so I had to be careful with what I ate. I didn’t want to ruin my well-trained body by becoming too fat. I thought Eicca could have taken better care of his body; he had gained fair amount of weight since I had met him in Seattle. Die was almost as wiry as I was. He lived mostly on beer and amusements, not proper food.

       Afternoon was well on its way when we returned to our hotel. I was resting in my room and arranging my belongings for tomorrow’s return flight, when Eicca phoned me.

       “Kirsi told me this morning what she had asked of you and what you did last night.”

      “Are you okay with that? I asked carefully. I still wasn’t sure he’d approve his wife’s plans.

       “Well, I wasn’t planning it like that, but I can understand her point. I wouldn’t like to involve any outsiders in matters like this. I did remind her that pregnancy at her age is always risky, but she dismissed my worries.”

       That was one thing I hadn’t thought about. For sure I didn’t want her to risk her health for me and Eicca.

      “There’s one thing we’d like to ask of you before you leave…” He seemed to have difficulties in spitting the words out.

      “What is it?” I finally asked, when he didn’t continue.

      “My wife took an ovulation test this morning and it seems that you were a bit too early. She proposed you’d try once again tonight.”

      This was awkward. Eicca was proposing that I’d fuck his wife again just to make sure.  What should I tell Die and could I even do it? I wasn’t exactly a breeding bull. “I really don’t know about that…”

      “Please, I would also like to make love to you, not just her.”

      I could hear that he was close to desperate. He was asking me a second last time. The first one in Vuokatti had been mind-blowing for both of us. But things had changed since then.

      “You could stay the night with us. I can drive you back to your hotel in the morning.”

      “I can’t promise anything right now. I need to think about it.” I’d have to discuss this with Die. If he agreed, I could do it. I didn’t want to break his heart like I’d done in Vuokatti. Without Shinya’s help he probably would have collapsed that night.

“Okay, we’ll talk about it when you come here”, Eicca agreed but sounded disappointed.

       After finishing the call I sat a long time on my bed thinking what I should do and what to tell Die about this. Finally I decided that the good, old fashioned truth would have to do. I knocked on his door and waited for him to open. It took quite a while before I heard somebody shuffle at the door and the lock was opened.

     “Oh, it’s you”, he breathed and a dazzling smile spread on his face. He looked like he’d just been having sex with someone.

     “Were you jerking off?” I snickered feeling the tension growing in my groin.

      “Well, yeah. I was thinking about you and Eicca’s wife doing it and I just had to help myself.”

      “That’s a pity. Why didn’t you ask me to help?”

      “I thought you’d get tired of me, if I asked you every time I got horny.”

      “I don’t think so”, I replied and grabbed Die in my arms to kiss him.

      When Die had relieved also my tensions by giving me a gorgeous blowjob, I told him about Eicca’s request and my hesitation.

     “I think you should give it a second try, if that’s what it needs. Eicca’s part is more difficult for me. It feels too painful.”

      “I was thinking of telling him about you. He’ll have to accept our relationship if I’m to accept his marriage. There’s no way around that. I’d like you to be there afterwards no matter what happens between me and Eicca. But I don’t want to spend the night there. I’m not a toy they can play with."


	42. The second try

## The second try (42)

      I was on the dance floor with Kirsi, Vinushka was dancing with Die and Kaoru with Perttu, when _Skin_ started to play. Kaoru, who had been very controlled and down to business during the dinner and the speeches, seemed to flip. He stopped in the middle of the floor and grabbed Perttu’s face in his hands starting to kiss him passionately.  Their long hairs and slender bodies melted into one living thing with four arms tangled in desperate embrace and two hungry mouths trying to devour each other. Now and then I could see the gleam of their golden rings when they reflected the dim lights of the room. Nothing would separate them.

      Kirsi watched their passion. “It’s almost unbearable to see how those two love each other”, she sighed and caressed my back gently with her hand. Are you ready to disappear with me? Eicca will show our guests his studio downstairs. Nobody will miss us.” As I had anticipated, Kaoru and Perttu vanished to the upstairs guest room at the end of _Cradled in love_ and we were left to clean the table after the dinner. Eicca led Kyo, Vinushka, Die and Shinya together with Paavo and Mikko to his studio.

      When my bandmates were safely out of sight me and Kirsi climbed upstairs to their bedroom. We could hear a long moan from the guest room when we tiptoed by the door. Kaoru was probably fucking Perttu out of his senses right now. The sounds of their lovemaking made me horny without even trying. I was again high of the idea of making myself a father tonight.

      Kirsi was running wild. She was like a tigress when she ripped off my clothes and suffocated me with her kisses. “Oh, please fuck me as hard as Kouru’s fucking Perttu right now!” she panted and dragged me into their bed. “I want you from behind”, she insisted and stood on her hands and knees on the bed waiting for me. I pushed myself inside her lovely hot pussy and started to move enjoying the sight of her fair skinned body and red curls flowing down her shoulders. When we both were close to exploding, I asked her to turn to face me. I wanted to see her face when I made her come. Her orgasm was furious and made me shoot her full of my sperm. She locked me inside her and moaned as if her orgasm never ended. I could feel her contractions around my shaft long after I had come.

      “Thanks, you’re an awesome lover”, she whispered and caressed my cheek with her fingers. “I almost hope we wouldn’t succeed so we could try again and again…”

      “I’m sorry, but it’s now or never”, I reminded her.

      When we returned downstairs, there was no-one there. Kaoru and Perttu were still doing it so we followed our bandmates down to the cellar studio where Eicca was explaining the fineries of his equipment to his eager audience. Eicca shot a long look at me when I arrived with Kirsi. Her red cheeks and bright eyes told him that I had done my part. I knew from his eyes that he wanted me too and I wasn’t sure I could say no to him.

       I walked casually over to Die and stopped by his side to listen to Eicca’s presentation. “Did you do it?” he whispered in my ear and tried to look interested. I nodded. “Did you talk to Eicca about us?” he asked guessing that I hadn’t done that.

      “I will, after this”, I promised.

       When we climbed the stairs up, I heard Kyo talk about having an own studio one day. “Here in Finland the houses are large and land relatively cheap compared to Tokyo”, Anna commented pointing to the possibility that Kyo could have his studio here instead of Japan. Kirsi left me with Eicca and Die and started to lay the table for coffee and cake.  “Can I have a dance?” Eicca asked and gazed me with his intensive grey eyes. I couldn’t refuse so he took my hand and led us to the dance floor. Die’s eyes followed us, but he didn’t say or do anything to prevent us.

      “How was your second try?” he asked sounding slightly bitter.

      “I hope it was successful”, I replied not wanting to boast with my performance or Kirsi’s passion.

      “Kirsi says you were awesome.”

      Oh shit, this was _not_ going well. He was clearly jealous and turned on. I felt his hands wander downs my back to my behind and he squeezed my body against his. “I want to fuck you tonight”, he whispered and held my body in his firm grip. Finally he took my face into his hands to kiss me.  I was paralyzed and in panic, I didn’t want this. His kiss remained an intention when Die grabbed his arm and stopped him.

       “That’s enough!” he told Eicca. ”Tochi is mine tonight and will be from now on. You had your chance, but you blew it.” 

       I had never seen Die that determined and Eicca so confused. He stared first at Die and turned then his fiery eyes at me. “Are you his?”

      “Yes, I am as much his as you are hers”, I nodded at Kirsi who was watching our episode close by.

      “Let him be”, Kirsi told her husband and took his hand to dance with him leaving me and Die together.

      “That was it!” Die whispered in my ear, grabbed me in his arms and started to dance with me.


	43. The rings

# Kaoru

## The rings (43)

       Tuesday was going to be the BIG day for Perttu and me. Perttu needed to run on some errands Tuesday morning but we had agreed to meet at noon for lunch and then shopping. The shopping included the engagement rings and some souvenirs for myself to be distributed to my friends in Japan. Perttu insisted that we’d take an official engagement photo in a studio. He had reserved a time slot for that after we had got our rings.  All I had to do was to look decent.

      We’d had a lot of discussions about how we could arrange our living so that we wouldn’t have to be separated for extended periods of time. We had tried to synchronize our calendars and plan when he could be in Tokyo and I in Helsinki. Despite of careful planning it seemed that we had preciously little common time during next half a year. After that things were getting easier as we could take our needs into account in our planning.

      I was a practical man so I believed that everything could be arranged if you just wanted to do it. I wanted Perttu and that was good enough reason for anything. The only thing I hated was the physical separation. I loved to feel his body against mine and his hair in my hands when I kissed him. Hearing his voice or seeing his face on my iPad of course helped but wasn’t enough.

     We went to grab some lunch in a small Mexican diner and then headed to a jewellery shop Perttu knew. There was always a risk that he would be recognized, therefore he had tied his long hair into a pony tail and had large sunglasses on his nose, when we walked in public on Helsinki streets.

      The jewellery shop was small but well stocked and Perttu obviously knew the owner. He gave me an approving look when he saw my hands. He himself was also heavily tattooed; we belonged to the same tribe.

      We selected simple gold rings with a wave like ornament circling the ring surface. Our names and date 1.4.2014 would be inscribed on the inner surface.  We went to shop my souvenirs while the jeweller was completing the inscriptions.

     The photo studio was located almost next door to the jewellery shop. The woman who took our photos was very friendly. She didn’t seem to mind that two guys wanted to have their picture taken after being engaged. She congratulated us and concentrated then on her work. “You’re the two most photogenic people I’ve ever seen”, she enthused and snapped tens of pictures to have good alternatives for us to select from. It would take some time to see the final pictures so Perttu would have to take care of the selection process. I trusted in his judgement.

      When we were ready, Perttu called Eicca to find out more about the party arrangements. While they were talking I fiddled with my new ring. It felt heavy and meaningful in my finger. I was committed to Perttu and I loved the thought.


	44. The engagement party

## The engagement party (44)

      In the afternoon we headed to Eicca’s house a bit earlier to help in the party arrangements. Vinushka and Kyo joined us in Perttu’s car.  Die, Tochi and Shinya would get a ride in Paavo’s car a bit later. Vinushka had insisted on helping Kirsi in party decorations and dinner preparations. She was also our official party photographer together with Kyo and would provide the music for the party. We wanted to have the same playlist we had in our visual kei party. That’s when we realized for the first time that we loved each other. The music would bring back beautiful memories and would create an atmosphere of safety for all of us.

       The house looked very romantic after Kirsi and Vinushka had completed the decorations. The place was loaded with flowers and they had hung a long banner on the dining room wall saying: Congratulations for the engagement to Perttu and Kaoru! The dining room table would fit nicely all of us. They had probably combined two tables to make it long enough. The table was set with white linen table cloth, flower decorations, tall candles and a beautiful dinner set that made it look very festive.

      The party menu had been designed by Apocalyptica guys, mainly Paavo and Mikko. We’d have blini’s with salmon rom, sour cream and chopped onions as starters, grilled lamb fillet with cheese potatoes, asparagus sprouts and hollandaise sauce as main course and  creamy lemon fudge as a dessert. The menu sounded delicious to me. Many of the ingredients were typical for this season. The dinner preparations were completed in good time when everybody contributed in some way, besides cooking seemed to be great fun for everybody. We were ready to roll at six o’clock as planned.

      The dinner started with a toast proposed by Eicca. After that I held a short welcoming speech telling how our relationship had started in Tokyo and outlining our future plans. I also thanked Vinushka for the holiday arrangements. Of course everybody wanted to know more about our wedding plans but unfortunately we didn’t have anything more to add to what we had already told them.

      It was weird to sit at the table with Perttu on my side talking about our common future. Only a week ago I didn’t believe there was any for us. This was again proof that things could be made to happen if you just wanted it hard enough and worked for it.

      After the main course Kyo stood up and recited a poem he had written for us and Vinushka followed by reading the English version of it. After her Tochi brought his contribution by announcing that he had composed Kyo’s lyrics into a song. The idea was there but by no means complete. He needed our team to work on it. Anyway, that was a great gift from him. He hadn’t composed very many songs for us so this was a remarkable event.

      I had been oblivious about Kyo’s and Die’s love affair but now I was pretty sure there was something going on with Die and Tochi.  I could see it in the way Die’s eyes followed Tochi and in the way he smiled at him. Tochi’s relationship with Eicca was obviously coming to an end, which for me was only a positive thing. Starving and depressed bassist wasn’t exactly an assent for our band. I sincerely hoped that being with Tochi would help Die to win his drinking problems. Okay, he had quit smoking some time ago while I hadn’t.  Now even I had a good motivation to do that.

    At forty I realized that the life had its limits, that there was also an end to it, and there were still so many things I wanted to do and experience before that. I had struggled with these thought already for some time and now I had finally done something to relieve my anxiety. My life wasn’t anymore slipping by, I had a firm grip on it.

      “Earth calling, earth calling”, Perttu whispered in my ear and poked me in the ribs. “What are you thinking so hard?”

      “I was thinking that it is wonderful to have a future with you”, I replied and caressed his hand with mine feeling the ring on his finger.  “Let’s go and have a dance.”


	45. Cradled in love

## Cradled in love (45)

      Love brings great joy but it also brings pain. The pain surprised me on the dance floor, in the middle of our engagement party. I was dancing with Perttu the memories of him in his gorgeous evening gown flashing by in my mind. I remembered vividly his body against mine when I held him for the first time in Die’s study. Then it occurred to me that this was going to be our last night for several months. The thought of being without him almost paralyzed me. I had to stop and kiss him to relieve my pain. Perttu probably felt the same because he grabbed me against him and responded to my kiss with a fierce intensity. The world was ripping us apart and we were clinging to each other desperately before that happened. I had the guest room key in case we wanted privacy – now we needed that more than anything. I grabbed Perttu’s hand and we rushed upstairs without caring about anything or anybody.

      When we had locked the door behind us we stopped to gaze each other. I could see in Perttu’s eyes the same pain that was now consuming me alive. “I love you more than anything. I just can’t imagine how I can be without you for so long time”, I confessed tears rolling down my cheeks.

       “I know the feeling”, Perttu replied caressing my cheek with his fingers. “Being separated was painful for me already after Tokyo. Now it feels almost impossible… We just have to think it won’t last forever. Now we have a future. After Tokyo I wasn’t sure about you or anything.”

       His words eased my pain a little so that I had the energy to kiss him again and strip off his clothes.  Now _he_ was crying and crawled naked into my lap to find comfort.  I caressed his back and let my hands wander to his hips and behind.

      “Let’s go to bed. I want to make love to you in every possible way tonight”, I whispered in his ear. And so we did.  We consumed each other’s bodies like animals trying to become one creature sizzling with love, lust and passion. I pushed myself into his beautiful ass until I lost my mind and he ravaged me with almost intolerable intensity. Perttu’s groans could probably heard even downstairs but we didn’t care.

      I think at some stage I fell asleep holding him in my arms with my last strength. I was stirred awake by a soft knock at the door. It was Anna asking us to join for coffee and cake in our honour. Perttu was deeply asleep so I had to wake him up with a kiss. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep on a night like this” he apologized and rubbed his sleepy eyes.

      “I didn’t mind. I love watching you sleep. You’re so beautiful, but I think we should join the party now.”

\----

     The atmosphere downstairs was somehow loaded and tense when we joined our band mates at the coffee table. Die and Tochi were sitting together opposite to Eicca and his wife Kirsi.  Die was openly holding Tochis’s hand on the table. They looked happy, Eicca didn’t. Kirsi watched Tochi’s every movement with intensity that gave her feelings away: she wanted him. Something had triggered Eicca’s and Tochi’s separation sooner than I had anticipated. Kyo and Anna seemed happy, so no problem there. Shinya, Paavo and Mikko were having a lively discussion about next summer and arranging a sauna evening. We two were a bit embarrassed about spending so long time in the guest room, but probably that was our right, after all this was our party.

       When we had taken our places at the table, Eicca stood up and proposed a toast. I didn’t expect speeches any more, but he was definitely going to give one now. “You asked us not to buy you anything and I _almost_ honoured your wish. I decided to give you memories…” He picked up from the table a picture book that had our names on it. “I have collected from our band mates all the photos taken in Tokyo and in Vuokatti and compiled them into this picture book.  Actually I have two of them, for both of you so that you can at least enjoy the pictures when being apart. I know being separated from your loved ones for a long time is painful. I’ve learned that during our tours around the world.” His eyes flickered first to his wife and then to Tochi. “Anyway, I know you two are determined to make your relationship work despite little obstacles like half of the world. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you’ll arrange us a wedding to remember.”

       I had the feeling that although he was addressing his words to us he was actually speaking to Tochi. Eicca still had the onyx ring in his finger – he wasn’t planning to give up even though Die seemed to have won the game for the time being.

      We spent the rest of the evening browsing through the picture books, dancing and talking about the wedding plans. I felt almost sorry for Eicca, who had to stay home when the rest of us took a taxi back to our hotel. Mikko continued home from there but Paavo stayed with Shinya, Anna with Kyo and Perttu of course with me. We all had still one night and one morning left before goodbyes.


	46. Remember me

# Toshiya

## Remember me (46)

      My phone buzzed just when I was changing for the night after taking a shower. It was Eicca. Die was in the bathroom so I could take the call in private. I knew from Eicca’s voice that he’d been crying. He had great difficulties to say what he wanted. He apologized that he’d tried to force me into something I didn’t want and promised that it wouldn’t happen again.

       I accepted Eicca’s apologies but reminded him of our earlier discussions. I needed Die to be with me in Japan when he couldn’t and it would be better if he forgot my existence all together. I couldn’t be only his lover, I wanted more.

      “Please can I see you tonight? I promise I’ll behave”, he pleaded. “I have something for you and I’d like to give it to you personally.”

      “I’m not sure we should meet”, I tried to refuse him. His silence in the phone was painful. He probably was crying again. I remembered how Kirsi had pleaded for her husband.  I wasn’t a cruel person and I didn’t want to hurt him. “Okay, you can come…” I finally gave in.

      “I’ll be there within an hour”, he whispered his voice rough. I gave him my room number and asked him to come straight up. Die had returned from the bathroom and heard my last words. He frowned guessing that I was talking to Eicca.

      “I promised to meet Eicca still tonight. He was desperate to see me”, I told Die. He of course didn’t like the idea but understood my feelings.

      “Don’t let him hurt you. I’ll kill him if he does”, he threatened and grabbed me in his warm embrace.

\----

      About forty minutes later I heard a knock on my door. I opened it my heart beating with double speed. Eicca looked beaten, I could see from his eyes that he had been crying. He had with him a package that looked like a book. “Can I come in?” he asked as if he expected me to cancel our appointment at this last minute. How could I? I had loved him so much and it hadn’t faded away in just three days.

      I invited him in my room and sat beside him on my bed. “How are you doing? You’re not looking good”, I worried and took his hand into mine to comfort him. It was so cold that I flinched when I touched it. “I’m sorry that it came to this, but I need Die. He’s very protective about me right now.”

      Eicca stared at my hand holding his. “Your hand is so warm and beautiful”, he said quietly. “You have asked me many times to forget you but I just can’t. The thought that you will be gone tomorrow is killing me. I just had to see you once more to remember…”

       Tears were again running down his cheeks and I wiped them away with my hand. “What do you want me to do?” I asked wanting to relieve his pain somehow.

      “I want you to promise me that I can stay in contact with you, hear your voice and see your face when I can’t take it anymore. I want you to say you love me still at least some way.“

      “Of course you can contact me and I haven’t stopped loving you, but I love Die too and if I have to choose, it will be him.”

       “I’m not forcing you to choose and I hope Die isn’t either.”

       Eicca was now gazing me with his grey eyes and his hand felt warmer in my hand. I just couldn’t help myself; I caressed his cheek with my hand and kissed his soft lips. My kiss was long and gentle - I wanted to apologize hurting him. I could hear him moan quietly and I felt his tears dripping through my fingers. “Please hold me”, he begged me.

       I made him lay on my bed and took him in my arms caressing his silky hair and kissing his face until his tears stopped running. “I’ve never loved anybody like I loved you. It almost killed me. It can’t be like that anymore.”

      “I know that, but please don’t ask me to forget you. I can’t.”

      “What did you want to give me?” I asked when he had calmed down in my arms.

       “I made a picture book for you too. I wrote some poems to go with the pictures taken in Tokyo and Vuokatti. I thought I could use the poems in my new songs I’ve been composing for Apocalyptica. You’re my inspiration now”, he smiled and kissed my forehead. He stood up to retrieve the book package from the table and handed it to me. “Hope you like it. But please don’t show it to Die. He probably doesn’t like all the pictures – my wife didn’t.”

      “I’ll keep it as our secret”, I promised.


	47. A night with Anna

# Kyo

## A night with Anna (47)

       I had agreed to meet Anna in our hotel after the engagement party. She had sounded very concerned when she called me this morning. I saw her waiting in the hotel lobby, when our small party arrived, but I just walked by because I didn’t want Perttu to see her. He had no idea who she was. Vinushka was tired after the party and headed for the bathroom to take a shower. I told her I’d meet Anna at the lobby even though she of course knew that.

       Anna looked tired, almost exhausted. She was pale and had dark shadows under her eyes. I sat beside her on the long leather seat and took her hand. “Is something wrong?” I asked feeling a strange fear creeping into my body.

      “Yes, I’m afraid so”. I’m too tired to do this anymore. I will have to let her go to rest properly. But I fear that I can’t get her back.”

      “Has something changed? You’ve never had difficulties in calling her back.”

      “That’s true, but I sense it’s becoming more and more difficult every time I do it. It’s like something would be holding her back. I can’t understand what’s happening.”

      Now I was worried too. Everything was depending on Anna. “You must let her go and rest. I will take care of you this night, if you want to“, I proposed.

      She eyed at me smiling. “I know what you’re thinking, you little devil”, she snickered and seemed to cheer up. “Okay, but I’m not much of a company….”

      She concentrated on her seat for a moment closing her eyes and then straightened her back to stand up. “She’s gone, we can go to your room now.”

      Before going to bed we showered together. I tried to cheer her up, but she definitely was too tired. So we just crawled into the bed and I held her in my arms until she fell asleep. I lay awake thinking about what she had told me. Was the baby causing the problems? Now there were two persons instead of one she had to summon back.  It was really scary to think that someday she might not get her back at all.

      Anna woke me up with a kiss early in the morning. She looked much better after a good night’s sleep. “Thanks for holding me last night. You’re such a good man. I hope I don’t let you down by losing Vinushka and your baby.”

      “I know you’re doing your best, but I wish I could help you in some way.”

      “Actually I was thinking of asking your help. I feel your strength every time I’m close to you. Maybe we could combine our powers if I can’t make it alone anymore”, she pondered.

       “You mentioned in Vuokatti that you could take a leave of absence from your work if needed. I think it would be a good idea to do that even before the baby is born. You’re getting too tired if you have to work and keep Vinushka here at the same time”, I proposed.

      “You may be right. Let’s see how long I can manage, but maybe I should start discussing my leave immediately. I could perhaps start it after my summer holidays in August. That would give us three months before the baby is born.”

     I let my hand wander on her body as she spoke. She was very womanly and somehow sporty: wide shoulders, narrow waist and wide hip. My hand finally settled on her naked sex. I pushed my finger inside her applying a static pressure on her clit at the same time. She sighed of pleasure and gazed me in the eye. “You’re killing me!” In a couple of minutes she was literally wriggling under the pressure of my hand. “Oh, please, fuck me” she finally whispered and pushed herself against my hand. I took her in my arms and roller her under me pushing myself inside her. She was soft, wet and lusty.


	48. Back to the future

## Back to the future (48)

       Our plane was well on its way to Tokyo. I was sitting on the aisle seat and Kaoru was beside me. Shinya had insisted on having the window seat as usual. Die and Tochi were giggling over something at the other side of the aisle. Kaoru had his picture book in his lap but his eyes were closed. He was listening to his iPhone, probably again the VK-party playlist that was his favorite. I was browsing through the book I had bought in Sotkamo; I was too distracted to read anything so I just admired the beautiful photographs of Finnish nature. The things Anna had told me this morning had made me extremely anxious. We didn’t know what was happening, but there was a risk that we could lose my baby and Vinushka. I tried to think positively; this was not the time to give up. I would fight together with Anna to save them both.

       I knew that all of my bandmates were going to have hard time being away from their loved ones. It would be most difficult for Kaoru. He was dying for Perttu but was also the most determined to survive the separation.  I of course missed Vinushka and Anna, but I knew I could have Vinushka with me in Tokyo quite soon. Anna had promised to let her come there for a week as soon as I had a suitable time slot for that. Shinya had his thing with Paavo, but I wasn’t sure he actually missed his teddybear, as he had started to call him. They had nice time together but that was it. Paavo might be the one that missed Shinya.

      Die and Tochi seemed to have a great time together.  I was happy that things had turned out the way they did. I knew Tochi had met Eicca late Tuesday night, but I didn’t have a clue what had happened. Tochi was happy and that was all that mattered to me.

      My band project Sukekiyo was proceeding towards the publishing of our first album at the end of April. I loved doing something different with my guys. Maybe I had my forty years crisis coming up. There was so little time and so many things I wanted to do.  Our holiday had been nice but I enjoyed the thought of returning home. When I was away, it always taught me to appreciate the everyday things at home. It was nice to get back to work with both Dir En Grey and Sukekiyo.

      I longed to see again my guitarist Uta. He had called me once during our stay in Vuokatti. He had made me happy with just his voice. He was young and vigorous - I had kissed him once and wanted more. The future was waiting for me in Japan.

 

THE END


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